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Rahu (IV/IV)

Friday, January 21st, 2005

“A long time ago,” says Tina, “there was a woman named Prajapati, who made two demons named Rahu and Ketu.”

It is 2002, the year of the horse.

“They helped her to accept what was happening to her. But they were very sad.”

Iphigenia listens. She is dressed in a nightgown. Tina is brushing her hair.

“When she took sick, because she’d been hung too long in her monster’s garden, Rahu and Ketu went looking for someone to help her.”

Iphigenia says, “Couldn’t they heal her?”

“Demons are filthy creatures. They aren’t good for very much,” Tina says. “They can plead. But they cannot heal.”

“I see.”

“So they went to the moon,” says Tina. “And they asked the moon, ‘will you heal her?’”

“Is the moon driven by someone like me?” Iphigenia asks.

Tina’s brush pulls on a tangle in Iphigenia’s hair. Iphigenia suppresses a yelp.

“There is no god of the moon today,” Tina says.

“Oh.”

“The moon said, ‘I shine my light on her every night. Isn’t that enough? I won’t help her more than that.’”

Iphigenia frowns. “I think I’m glad that she is gone.”

“And then they went to the sun,” says Tina. “And they asked the sun, ‘will you heal her?’ And what do you think the sun said?”

Iphigenia frets. The brush moves gently through her hair. “I think that—”

“Yes?”

“I think that the sun could not help them,” Iphigenia says, “because demons are filthy creatures, and because the sun had a higher purpose.”

“Yes,” says Tina.

“Yes?”

“Yes,” says Tina. “The sun and moon had a magical elixir that could make Prajapati immortal. But they did not share it with her. Because she did not deserve it. But what were Rahu and Ketu to do?”

Iphigenia thinks. “They had to save her, because they were her demons.”

“They might have just wanted her to accept her death,” says Tina.

“Maybe,” says Iphigenia dubiously.

“But instead they snuck into the houses of the sun and the moon, and they stole the elixir, and they took a sip for themselves and a sip for Prajapati. And when they were gone, the servants in those houses raised such a ruckus as you could not imagine. They cried to every god in all Heaven, even Lord Vishnu, that the elixir had been stolen. So with one cut of his blade, he chopped off their heads. The elixir they wanted to bring Prajapati dribbled out through their necks and was gone. But ever since, whenever they could find the sun and the moon, Rahu and Ketu ate them—just like that! That’s why you have eclipses.”

“That’s a sad story.”

“One day,” Tina says, “Rahu will find you, and he will eat you up, and you will be gone, and I will be alone.”

“Oh.”

“Everyone will wear black,” says Tina, “and they will be very sad for me; but I think that even the monster will be hiding pleasure behind his eyes.”

“I won’t die soon,” says Iphigenia.

“See that you don’t!” says Tina, crisply. She helps Iphigenia stand up. She turns her around. She places a ribbon in Iphigenia’s hair. “There,” she says. “Go to bed.”

Iphigenia sleeps, and dreams of Rahu’s gaping maw.

The Contest (VI/?)

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005

It is 560 years before the common era. While women vie for the hand of Prince Siddhartha, Devadatta sleeps. He is not concerned about the party’s outcome, as he has determined that “all the women but one” will satisfy Prince Devadatta.

He dreams. It is in his dreams that Maya finds him.

I am Devadatta! dreams the man.
A killer,
Stronger than ninety men.
Loyal to the Prince Siddhartha.

I shall keep his enemies at bay
And shelter him
This dove named Siddhartha,
And from my love for him
Be born
A kingdom greater than any seen before.

Maya says:

If he should wed Yasodhara, dove to dove,
Then he shall learn what suffering will mean.
And he shall be no King,
No wheel-turning King,
No legacy for Devadatta,
But be a Buddha.

Devadatta considers.

Then good for her! he finally says.
For in my life
I have known pain
It’s made me strong.

And I have thought
That,
Suddhodana King be damned,
It is a thing my cousin could well learn.

And Buddha, then?
So great a destiny
Carries a man
On wings above the world.

I shall forge his kingdom
And he shall love me for it
But he shall be the Buddha
And I the King.

And I shall have the greatest kingdom forged
And blessed by his wisdom;
And the dove shall sit
On the shoulder of the hawk.

Bless her, then.
For I am in his shadow
And doomed to his shadow
So let his shadow sprawl great and vast
Over all the kingdoms of the world.
Let him be remembered forever as Buddha
And it shall take less glory
Than a Kingship would
From myself, Devadatta,
Now free to seize
With strength and prowess
The kingdoms of the world.

Thank you,
O Maya,
Queen of all the world.

You have lightened my heart
It lightens my heart
To know
That I can bless this wedding
Without resentment
Without anger
With nothing more than a passing sorrow
That my cousin shall never know
The glory of conquest’s bloom.

Maya answers: We are attached to that which hurts us, Devadatta.

And Devadatta says:

It’s so,
O Queen,
It’s ever so,
I love him so,
But I could hate him so.
Thank you,
O Queen,
That he shall be a Buddha
And not my King.

Then, says the Queen,
You’ll be his disciple?
You, Devadatta, will sit at his feet
And hear him preach?

Devadatta shouts,

I, Devadatta, shall be his disciple.
I will sit at his feet
And hear him preach
The world-conquering doctrine
of the Buddha!

Then Maya laughs, and her laughter is bitter. She says:

He will conquer illusion, and not the world.
He will conquer desire,
He will conquer attachment,
He will conquer me.
But he will not seize the world, Devadatta.

“You?” asks Devadatta. “Then why do you not kill him, Maya?”

Maya answers: We are attached to that which hurts us, Devadatta.

Devadatta laughs.

If he will not conquer the world
With his world-conquering mastery,
Then I will explain his error,
O Queen.
I will simply say,
“That is what world-conquering mastery is for.”
Then he will be enlightened.

Maya frowns at him.

Devadatta smirks.

Maya says: He will teach you to abandon Devadatta.

Devadatta clarifies:

I am Devadatta,
O Queen.

Maya says:

He will teach you that it doesn’t matter
Who you are,
O Prince,
He’ll strip you of that worldly shred of
Innocence.

I am Devadatta, Devadatta emphasizes. He seems a bit puzzled that Queen Maya does not already understand why this matters too much for any Buddha to change it. O Queen.

Maya answers:

You’ll learn that nothing in a man can last
The world is like a wind
And in the end, O Prince,
All things Devadatta save this truth shall pass.

But I am Devadatta, Devadatta says. He sounds somewhat uncomfortable now:

I am Devadatta,
O Queen,
A killer,
Stronger than ninety men,
The killing treasure,
The wind
That sweeps
His enemies away.
This is Devadatta.
It shall not pass.
I do not want it to pass.
It is my dharma.

Maya answers:

You’ll learn your heart is full of lies, from him,
‘Wanting’ is a chain
You’d best be free of, since
The Buddha will not let you kill for him,
O Prince.

I am Devadatta, Devadatta insists.

Maya laughs at him, though it is still a bitter laugh.

And what will you do then when you can’t exist?
When “I am Devadatta”
Is lost into truth’s abyss?
And you are simply one of his disciples, kiss’t
By truths you cannot bear to hear
And cannot yet dismiss?

He will not let you kill for him, O Prince.
He’ll take away your nature
And you’ll call it bliss.

Devadatta frowns, after a moment.

If I am not Devadatta,
Then I am nothing.

Maya answers:

The Buddha shall make you nothing,
You shall be a dream.
An isn’t.
Lost with the morning.

Devadatta sighs. Then he must be a King.

Devadatta wakes.

Devadatta goes to the great hall. He looks King Suddhodana in the eye.

“I wish the hand of Yasodhara,” he says.

Siddhartha studies him.

I shall not yield, says Suddhodana,
To a spoiled child’s whims,
When it should kill
My own child’s heart.

There are spears stacked against one wall. Devadatta walks to the wall. He places his hand over one spear, so that the point pierces his hand. There is blood, and a barely-concealed wince.

Suddhodana’s eyes narrow.

A strange game, Suddhodana says,
That Devadatta would play with Kings.
Men have lost their lives—

(“in a purely natural way, and without any suffering,” Suddhodana asides to Siddhartha)

—in their addiction to such games.

Strange, says Siddhartha. He seems . . . I cannot recognize the expression on his face. He seems . . .

It does not matter, Suddhodana says. It is a Devadatta thing.

“I wish the hand of Yasodhara,” says Devadatta. “Also, I will need a doctor, as soon as this matter is resolved, lest—”

“No,” says Suddhodana King.

“I—”

“No,” says Suddhodana flatly, and it is that tone of Kings that brooks no argument from Devadattas.

Wait, says Siddhartha.
I have taken from him a dove,
And given it to her.
And I cannot say
That I have served him well.
I love her, father,
But let him test
His strength against mine
For the rest.

Suddhodana’s tone allowed argument from Siddharthas, though not from Devadattas. Reluctantly, the King announces a contest for Yasodhara’s hand.

Archery, says Suddhodana. First.

Devadatta stands where he can scarcely see the target. He draws back his bow. He fires. He drives his arrow through the target’s center, cutting through the wood and leaving it in splinters.

Ah! cries Yasodhara. The arrow strikes my heart!

Siddhartha stands where Devadatta can scarcely see the target. He draws back his bow. It snaps in his hands.

Please, he says, to the servants, I shall need a stronger bow.

So one servant goes to the deeps of the palace, and fetches forth a bow, wielded once by Vishnu, some say, and never since.

Siddhartha draws an arrow back. He fires. The arrow passes through the center of the target, as if it were air; through the tree behind it; through the earth; and comes to rest at the bottom of a stream.

Inconclusive, admits Suddhodana.
They have struck the center,
One to destroy,
And one to pass through,
Like a mind unfettered by material attachment,
And had this been a contest of destruction
Or enlightenment
Then I could judge it swiftly
But the test was archery.

Granted, says Siddhartha, and Devadatta nods his head.

Then, says Suddhodana,
Strength.
Give them each a sword.
Let them cut down a tree.

Devadatta takes his sword. He holds it before him. He turns casually in a circle. Six trees fall.

Ah! cries Yasodhara.

Siddhartha looks at her with consternation. There is an emotion he does not recognize on her face.

He has cut my heart! Yasodhara says.

Siddhartha takes his sword. He speaks to a tree for a moment. Then he bows his head and closes his eyes. He swings his sword, so swiftly that those watching see no motion.

There is a silence.

Devadatta has w— starts Suddhodana. Then he pauses.

A wind blows.

The tree falls down. With a thunder, so do other trees in the forest, echoing the sacrifice of their brother, in honor of the man who will be Buddha.

. . . Inconclusive, says Suddhodana.
Let them test at horses.

They bring to Devadatta the fiercest stallion of the stable. “Break him,” they say.

Devadatta holds his hand before the horse’s nose.

Slowly, as if fighting a great and terrible weight, tossing its head back and forth, screaming, the horse sinks to its knees before him.

“He is broken,” says Devadatta.

Then, and his voice is quiet, he whispers to the horse,

I am sorry.

Something lightens in the horse when it hears those words, and slowly, and creakily, it rises.

Ah! says Yasodhara.

She runs. She clings to Siddhartha’s arm.

Please, she says. You must do better.

They bring to Siddhartha the second-fiercest stallion in the stable. “Break him,” they say.

Siddhartha holds his hand before the horse’s nose.

The horse sniffs at his hand.

I smell of Yasodhara, do I not? Siddhartha asks.

Sweet, and gentle, and beautiful?

Slowly, Siddhartha strokes the horse’s mane.

Yet it does not yield.

Please, says Yasodhara.
You must do better.

Slowly, Siddhartha strokes the horse’s mane.

Yet it is a wild thing.

It does not yield.

So Yasodhara bends, and whispers a word in his ear, and Siddhartha convulses, because that word is Prajapati’s pain.

Now Suddhodana is standing.

“The contest is off!” he shouts.

“Wait,” cries Yasodhara.

“He is twitching. He is broken. The contest is off!”

“Wait!” says Yasodhara.

Then Siddhartha rises, and looks upon the stallion, and it kneels before him, crying in the language of horses:

Siddhartha!

I did not recognize you.
Your eyes were too clear,
Too innocent,
But it is just these seventy lifetimes past
That you gave your life for mine
Though I was Piliyakkha
Unworthiest of Kings!
For this compassionate sacrifice,
I am your servant, Siddhartha,
In this life and all others.
May you become a Buddha!

And as the horse gentles itself to Siddhartha, without even the violence of the will, Devadatta hides his eyes behind his hand.

I have lost, Devadatta says bleakly. He may have her. But I will tell you, King.
Your son will never rule the world
No wheel-turning sage king he
No answer to the pains of all the world.
He is no King.
He is no Prince.
He is no householder.
He will certainly become a Buddha.

Siddhartha walks home, slowly, shakily, with Yasodhara on his arm. He has won, but he is not at peace, for he has begun to understand that there is suffering.

The Old Man (VII/?)

Friday, March 18th, 2005

Maya is a demon. She is illusion. She is desire. She is the material world. Yet illusion is not evil, and desire is not always wrong, and from her compassion she has brought Siddhartha into the world—a man who could be a wheel-turning sage king, destined to conquer the world and banish evil into the outer darkness, or a Buddha.

If Siddhartha remains innocent, then he will become a king. If he learns the nature of suffering, he shall certainly become a Buddha, scourging from the world everything that Maya loves.

He was innocent for many years. But now his wife Yasodhara has told him something of the ways of pain, and Maya’s plans are doomed to go awry.

It is 554 years before the common era. Siddhartha speaks to his father King Suddhodana.


I am loved by my father,
I am loved by my mother,
And I love these things in turn.

I am loved by the people,
I am loved by the world,
And I love these things in turn.

I know in my heart
That I need nothing save this
That love shall redeem this world.

Yet I cannot shake
The strange suspicion
That there is something wrong.

Something intangible.
I have no words for it.
Some . . . absence of happiness.

Oh, father, are you happy?
Is Prajapati happy?
Can I trust in your joy?

Oh, father, are the people happy?
Is the world happy?
Can I trust in these things’ joy?

“Of course,” says Suddhodana, uncomfortably.

Yet Siddhartha does not relax. He speaks:

I know that you speak truth, father,
I know that you are good, father,
Yet something still is wrong.

I know that all is well, father.
I know that I am good, father.
Yet something still is wrong.

May I go out, among the people,
May I seek out, among the people,
An answer to this question of the world?

Suddhodana says:

I cannot keep you here, a prisoner,
Though I fear what you might learn.
You may go out among the people, son.

So Suddhodana sends forth messengers and declares a holiday. His soldiers sweep the old men, the sick men, the dying, the dead, and the suffering from the city. Some are vicious. Some are brutal. They seize the unsightly and drag them away or drive them from the city with great blows. Other soldiers are kind, and distribute the bounty of Suddhodana. They press coins and treasures into beggars’ hands. They carry the weak and sick and hungry in their own two arms to places of beauty and leisure. In the cleaning of the city, each of Suddhodana’s soldiers shows their heart—but this is not a thing that Siddhartha will see. He will walk the streets with his servant Channa, and see only a city where there is no suffering.

He walks among the people.

Yet there is one whom Suddhodana missed.

As Siddhartha passes, a door opens, and an old man walks out, mumbling:

My eyes are weak, now;
My skin is old, now;
My bones, they hurt, now;
My hair is grey, now;
My sons are gone,
They have abandoned me.
My life is done.
It’s had its run with me.

My teeth are gone, now.
My hands, they shake, now.
Please give me food, now
Or I will die.

Siddhartha, confused, presses a pie made from fowl and vegetables into the old man’s hand. The old man takes it and walks on, sighing,

My pride is old, now;
My fire is cold, now;
My mind is gray, now;
My sons are gone.

Siddhartha turns to Channa. “So strange that a man should be born that way,” he says.

“It is not his birth,” says Channa. “He was once as strong as you or I. But he has grown old.”

There is a tempest in Siddhartha, then.

There is a rising terror and a rising power in him, then.

He hears in his head an endless echo of the whispering of Yasodhara’s voice.

Then the words that come from Siddhartha’s throat are a shout, they are a ringing bell, they are a shaking of the world.

Is this the fate of all of us, mother?

There is a fury behind Maya’s eyes, and a fear greater than his own. But, because she is everywhere, Maya is there. She meets his eyes and she does not look away. And because she is a demon, there is something whispering in his mind that he must accept her words.

She says:

It is natural for things to change.
We age.
That is the record of that change.
To remain the same forever—
Never to lay your burdens down,
Never to cease in your desiring,
Never to change—
That is a torture beyond that given to the gods.

Siddhartha’s voice is soft:

And yet there is something,
Something in him,
That did not joy in changing, mother.

He is a wall that is crumbling, mother.
He is a forest retreating, mother.
He is the rain at the end of the rain
And soon he will—

Siddhartha gropes for the concept of death. He stands, still, for a very long time.

Soon he will leave the stage that is my life, mother;
Not in joy, but dressed in sorrow.

Maya answers:

If it were so, Siddhartha,
Then it would shake the heavens.
You could not live
But by breathing it in:
Every moment;
Every day;
An air replete with suffering and ending.

If it were so, Siddhartha,
Then who could live
With such an agony?
To see our friends,
Our families,
Our foes,
As crumbling walls and passing clouds,
A world replete with suffering and ending?

If it were so!
But it is not.
To leave your stage
Is to enter another.
Those of whom you have no consciousness
Are well.

Do not think of aging, Siddhartha.
Do not think of this passage,
Do not think on things you cannot change.

You are a wheel-turning sage king,
A demon-slaying sage king.
Set this truth above all things.
Claim the kingdoms of the world.
Make each man love the life he has,
And when it falls to age,
Let him release it,
A thing that is done and past its time,
As gently as a flower drifting from one’s hand.

Do not cry that there is change.
Do not cry that walls must crumble.
Turn the wheel.
Make it so
That when an old man thinks on how
So much is past
So much is gone
He’ll bless the things he’s parted with
With fond regard
And gentle love
But say, “So much is better now.”

“A perfect world,” says Siddhartha.

Maya teaches:

Siddhartha,
This is the Maya-Dharma.
We know only what we see
We know only what we hear
We know only what we taste
We know only what we touch
We know only what we know
We know only what we are.

Do not cry because
An old man’s better days
Have left the stage
Of the life you know.

Shine, Siddhartha.
From your heart
Bring endless virtue
And benevolence
And let it fall
Like the flowers of the spring
On all around you
To bring light
To what you see.

And if you cannot see
And what you cannot see
And if you cannot see . . .
Then let it pass.
And let it go.
You do not know.
The things you cannot see,
You do not know.

Do not cling to the impermanence of life.
It is impermanent.
It will betray you.

“Ah,” says Siddhartha. “I understand the Maya-Dharma.”

He walks away.

Maya whispers,

I should kill him.
I should kill him now
While he is weak
While I can
He will destroy—
He will—
He cannot become a Buddha.
I cannot let him become a Buddha.

She turns her face to Heaven.

Why won’t I kill him?

The devas in heaven are singing, and they do not hear.

“I am weaving,” says Yasodhara, Siddhartha’s wife, as he returns home and to her arms. “I am weaving, but the threads—they break apart. Nothing stays the same.”

The Sick Man (VIII/?)

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005

It is 550 years before the common era. Siddhartha speaks to his father Suddhodana.

I know my destiny
I will become a sage king
And turn the wheel of the world.

Yet I cannot shake
The strange suspicion
That there is something wrong.

It dawned to me
It opened to me
Like a flower

They hide it from me,
Me, their Prince,
Because they are ashamed.

Suddhodana answers, uncomfortably, Such a strange thought, Siddhartha.

Siddhartha says:

It is a poor man
Who judges
Between two material things.

It is a simple man
Who is lost in differences
And says, ‘this thing is bad.’

To judge a thing
Is to judge its viewer.
To love a thing
Is to know it well.
Inside each man
Is a shining dharma
And everything’s subservient to that truth.

They do not know this.
They are ashamed.
They hide from me the secret of this world.

You, Suddhodana.
You think that if I saw your heart
It would shake me
It would shatter me
It would break my confidence in the King.

Such secret doubts!
Such bitter harvests!
Yet it is not so.
From the day we met, father,
I have seen you,
And you are good.

Devadatta
He thinks that if I saw his heart
It would shake me
It would shatter me
My knees would crumble
And I would fall
From witnessing that darkness
And that rage
Yet it is not so.
From the day I met him, father,
I have seen him,
And he is good.

Prajapati
She hides from me so well
That I have never seen her heart.
All-honored one!
Woman of miracles!
A thousand blessings
Fall on her from every person’s lips
And yet she hides
And only now, that Yasodhara
Has shared with me
A woman’s inner heart
Do I begin—
Even begin! Father—
To understand.

Queen Maya
Illusion, desire, lady of the world,
Presents herself to me in every sunrise
She is the shimmering silver rain
And the burnished sun
She hides from me
She thinks I do not know
That she is also rot
And defecation
And dust
And mud
And grime
And shadows in the dark
I have seen her,
And she is good.

So let me go among them, father,
Among the people,
Let them see me not as Siddhartha
But as another man
And let them show me their true face,
And let me go among them
And I will learn
The name
Of the thing that lurks beyond them.

Suddhodana hesitates. Then he says:

Such regard as this
Discomfits them, son.
They do not want
Such compassion.
They want, son,
Your love for small things,
Their little things,
The beauty of their hair,
The work they do,
Their accent,
Their deceptive words.

Nor shall you see
Their true faces
Should you walk among them
As just another man.
It is rarer yet
That they should show
Their truths
To one below a Prince.

Siddhartha, you have hurt me,
To love me for what you see
Instead of what I seek to show.
And you will hurt them,
If you know them so.
Stay.
Don’t go.

Siddhartha looks down. He answers:

If I cannot set aside my crown,
Then I am but its cushion, father.

Suddhodana says:

I cannot keep you here, a prisoner,
Though I fear what you might learn
You may go out among the people, son.

So Siddhartha disguises himself as an ordinary householder. He travels out among the people with his servant Channa. He watches them in their lives. He sees the bakers bake. He sees the jewelers ply their trade. He sees the men and women walk along the streets. Something lifts in him, some burden, then, and it seems for a time that all will still be well.

Then he turns, and there is a man on the ground, and that man is sick. The man is whispering:

It rises through me like a wave,
Shuddering, gasping, hurting, shaking;
Something terrible,
Something powerful.

It fills my thoughts like a snake fills a jar,
Shuddering, gasping, hurting, shaking,
Something terrible,
Something powerful.

Lives in my muscles, dwells in my bones,
Twists in my stomach, head on the stones,
Shuddering, gasping, hurting, shaking,
Something terrible
Lives in me.

Eats at my breath,
Mottles my skin,
Something terrible
Lives in me.

Siddhartha falls to his knees. He cradles the man’s head in his lap. He runs his hands along the man’s arms, trying to soothe him, trying to bring an end to the pain.

“Channa,” Siddhartha says, hoarsely. “Why is this man— why is he— what is—”

“He is sick,” says Channa. “He is suffering. It is a thing that happens to men.—you had best stay away from him, o Prince, or the sickness will travel from him to you.”

Siddhartha looks at the man. Unsteadily, he eases the man’s head back onto the ground and rises. He backs away.

Once again a power rises in him, and the words that come from his throat are a hurricane, a tidal wave, a thunder.

Is this the fate of all of us, mother?

Then Maya is there. She meets his eyes and she does not look away.

She says:

Yes.

There is a time of silence.

Maya continues:

People suffer.
It is a consequence of who we are.

The man is but a man
He wishes frailty.
Yet when it comes
He is not happy it has come.

If he would set aside the world
And leave
Behind
Attachment
Then he would smile
Even now.

He does not
It is too precious
To love the world

Listen, Siddhartha.
This is the Maya-Dharma.
Love your breath.
It is a gift
Each inhalation
Each exhalation
It is joy.
That is the joy that this man bought
With his vulnerability to sickness.

Love the strength
In your limbs
Love how easily you move
It is a gift
It is joy.
This is the joy that this man bought
With his vulnerability to sickness.

Now he lays there,
Curling,
Twisting,
In agony,
Because this is the price he paid
For loving his health
And taking joy in it.

Had we been born
To never breathe,
To move with pain in every motion,
To cough, and sweat, and fever,
To writhe, and ache, and moan,
Then we should never know the joys of health
Nor mourn the state this man is in.

Siddhartha!
This is the Maya-Dharma.
Suffering comes
When we lose the things
We have a right to.
When we give them up in folly
Or they are taken away.
Rip the folly from the world,
And break the monsters
And then
Such suffering as this will end.

Siddhartha looks at her.

I can see that you believe that, mother.

Then Maya’s face is pale and wan. “What will you do?” she asks.

Siddhartha looks down.

Seek a joy that does not lead to pain.

“Ah,” says Maya.

She turns. She walks away.

I will have to kill you, Siddhartha, she says, but the words are weak.

So he goes home.

“I am weaving,” says Yasodhara, Siddhartha’s wife, as he returns. “I made a tapestry for you, but—it’s frayed. It’s fallen apart. I can’t give it to you now.”

Siddhartha kisses away her tears.

In a distant place, staring down upon the world, Maya whispers:

And with the joy I take in you
Will I buy
The end to all my world?

If I cannot kill you, Siddhartha.
If you do not die—

Ah!

This is the Maya-Dharma, Siddhartha.
This is attachment.
This is suffering.

(Maundy Thursday) The Corpse (IX/?)

Thursday, March 24th, 2005

It is 547 years before the common era that Siddhartha sees his first corpse.

He is in the city, among the people, seeking to understand those whom he must save. He is with Devadatta, his cousin, a man conservatively estimated as a match for two hundred and seventy soldiers in battle. He wears a keepsake of his wife Yasodhara around his wrist. It is Thursday.

What is this, Devadatta? asks Siddhartha:

This man, so still;
They carry him on their backs.
He lays flat upon a board,
And does not blink.
What is a man who does not blink, Devadatta?

Devadatta blinks.

Siddhartha continues:

This man, so still;
They lay him in a pyre.
They light the flames.
It is bad to lay amidst the flames,
It makes your father worry.
What is a man whom they would burn, Devadatta?

“A kindling man,” says Devadatta.

Siddhartha says:

This man, so still,
He smells of cooking meat,
His flesh is bubbling and baking,
Yet he does not move.
He feels no pain.
What is a man who feels no pain, Devadatta?

Devadatta barks laughter. He says:

A man who has transcended pain
We call a Buddha.
Burn him, he does not flinch.
Beat him, he does not cry out.
Such is the exercise of his endless compassion!
Sickness does not touch him,
Age does not touch him,
Death does not touch him—
Kill him, and he will only look at you
With injured eyes
And say, “Why did you do that, Devadatta?”

There is a long pause.

Or such my nightmares allege. Devadatta mumbles.

Siddhartha, who is not currently omniscient, is forced to stare blankly at Devadatta. Then his eyes wander, inevitably, to the corpse.

This man, so crispy,
He is turning to ash.
He does not move.
He does not smile.
He does not cry.
He does not breathe.
What is a man who does not breathe, Devadatta?

Devadatta says:

A man who is gone, Siddhartha.
This is death.
This is a man that you will never see again.
He is gone.
He has left the stage of your life,
Not to the wings,
Not to the pit,
But into the darkness from which no man returns.

This is not a man, Siddhartha,
This is a memory of a man,
This is the shell of a man,
This is what is left when the man is gone.
So shall you be when you are dead.
So shall I be if I am dead.
Such is the natural fate of every man.

Siddhartha looks blank. “But how can I be gone, Devadatta? I am right here.”

Devadatta shrugs.

“The concept of personal ending is difficult,” says Devadatta. “I have not mastered it myself. I believe it is like sleep, but quieter, and with no waking.”

“Ah,” says Siddhartha. Then he says:

Here is an absence.
Here is a hole in my world.
Here is something
I do not understand
Yet it is wrapped in the contingencies and accidents
Of the things I do.

Maya, the illusion of material existence, becomes a localized phenomenon. She says:

These are the words that bring forth Maya:
The desire to project
Into the space of the unknown;
The incomprehensible;
The impossible;
And the wrong
The accidents and contingencies
Of the things you know.
Thus does karma become experience
Experience becomes life
Life becomes a world
Worlds become Maya.
Why have you summoned me, Siddhartha?
You do not seek the Maya-Dharma.

“I am nothing without you, mother.”

Maya’s eyes sting. She does not speak.

“Please,” says Siddhartha. “Teach me the Maya-Dharma of death.”

So Maya inclines her head. Softly, she speaks.

Love while you can.
Accept that things pass.
This is the law, the new law,
That I would have you bring
When you turn the wheel
And rout your enemies
And end the suffering in the world.

“So this is the Maya-Dharma?” asks Siddhartha. “‘Cling without clinging?’”

It is a challenge, but it is not mockery.

His voice holds nothing but respect.

And Maya says:

I have loved you
Since I have known you, Siddhartha;
Knowing you will die.
And no matter how great the law
You set upon the world
I know that it will pass
And bitter days shall come again,
And pain.

And never have I loved you more than these last years
When I have thought that we would come to blows
And you unmake me
And I rain fire on you
To save the things I love.

I would not surrender it.
I would not let go of you, my child,
I would not set aside that love for you,
For all the treasures of the Earth.

I know you will pass.
And yet I cling.
That is the Maya-Dharma.

Siddhartha says, “I know this Dharma.”

“Do you?” she asks, softly.

Siddhartha says:

I have seen,
At the edge of my world,
A cloud,
Roiling and thunderous,
A terror that I should not like to face
Yet I am attached to it, mother.

It would be best,
If I could turn aside,
And live out my life
Without facing that storm.
Yet I am attached to it, mother.

And I must ask you, mother,
To forgive me.
If I fall
If I falter
If I leave the path
And become something other
Than a wheel-turning king.

Maya looks at him. It is a long look. Then she bows her head, and there are tears.

Do not summon me again, or I will surely take your life. she says.

There is a pause.

You are forgiven, and forever loved. she says, and ceases to be a localized phenomenon.

Siddhartha goes home to Yasodhara, and they sleep together; and that night, the wing of Maya brushes past them, and quickens Siddhartha’s child in Yasodhara’s womb.

(Holy Saturday) Stories of Deliverance (I/I)

Saturday, March 26th, 2005

Belshazzar’s Feast

Babylon

Daniel works at his desk. He balances accounts. He looks for discrepancies. He reads the records of the dreams of the people of Babylon, and searches them for meaning. It is the hope of his masters that he may discover corruption and incompetence within Babylon’s bureaucracy by correlating the records and the dreams.

He is not surprised when the seraph enters his room.

“I dreamed,” Daniel says, “that the people of Judea fled from a lion, and were met by a bear. The bear was bitten by a serpent, and the bear and the serpent tore one another apart. Then I flew away and was suddenly naked.”

“That is the kind of thing that happens in dreams,” says the seraph.

“The lion was Nabonidus,” says Daniel. “The bear is Belshazzar, who rules in Babylon now that the monster is gone.”

The seraph is a creature of beauty. It is tall. Its skin is strange. Its wings are great and terrible. Its eyes are jeweled.

“I had hoped,” says Daniel, “that he would be a better King. The people of Judea have suffered under the monster for too long; and we are not the only ones.”

“The Lord has not rendered His judgment,” says the seraph.

“Then,” says Daniel, “I ask that the Lord be merciful, and redeem this man. Move his heart, and have him release us from captivity. I have seen into his soul, and there is hope for him.”

“He is no more than any other man,” says the seraph, “and like any other man, he must make his own chances for redemption.”

It is 539 years before the common era.

It is the night before the Feast of Belshazzar.

The Bo Tree

India

Siddhartha has wandered for six years and several months. He is tired, and he has not found his answer. So he sits beneath a bo tree, and he says,

I will not leave this spot,
Until I find supreme enlightenment—
Until I can make answer
To the suffering of the world.

The wings of Maya beat against him, and she whispers on the wind:

Do you not wish to know your wife again?
To indulge in sensual pleasures with her?
And hold your son, your wonderful son,
And raise him in the duties of the house?

Have you forgotten all the pleasures
That found you in your palaces of gold?

Siddhartha’s smile is clean enough to break her heart.

Should such knick-knacks tempt me? Siddhartha asks.

Belshazzar’s Feast

Babylon

Belshazzar slouches on Babylon’s throne.

“It falls to me, now,” he says.

He is dressed in the regalia of a King. He did not know what else to do with it when his father Nabonidus cast it aside.

“I must assume the burden of their dharmas. I must conquer the world. I must break the chains that hold Mylitta’s gods. I must devour everything that is.”

He considers.

“It is fortunate,” he says, “that I am a man who can bear contradictions.”

He snaps his fingers. Mana, an incubus like a giant stick-bug, answers Belshazzar’s call. He is wearing a minister’s robes.

“Release the gods from their bindings,” Belshazzar commands. “And tell them: ‘Go. Make horrid revel, or strike down the armies of Kuras, or help the people of Babylon, or hide under the beds and fear the dawn; do as you like. Serve your nature. Go free.’”

“They will not want to leave you, sire,” oozes the incubus.

“Tell them that their long pain is answered,” says Belshazzar. “Tell them that Nabonidus is gone. That Mylitta is gone. Tell them I have won. Tell them that it is time.”

“And of the people of Babylon?”

“Tell them to make celebration,” Belshazzar says. “Tell them that tomorrow I shall hold a feast, and they shall see the wonders of my kind.”

“They will be afraid,” says the incubus. “There will be fiends that burrow in their skin and move their hands like puppets. There will be angels preaching unimaginable hopes. There will be ghosts of the things they cannot let go of. There will be cruel claws under the bed, and black wings in the sky, and purple light in the depths of the city. If you do not lead them with a strong hand, fear and doubt will break their minds.”

“It is not for me to judge them,” says Belshazzar. “I would go mad. The power I have in Nabonidus’ army—I would go mad! Should I choose whom the gods shall make puppets, and whom they shall exalt? Should I command the hungering beasts, ‘Eat those who stray from the traditional morality, but leave the rest alone?’ When someone sees an eye in the darkness, shall they say, ‘Ah, Belshazzar wishes to know what it is I do?’”

Belshazzar shakes his head.

“I am alone,” he says. “I am an orphan. I am naked in the face of the world. Let them be the same. Let them face the infinity of gods and sort out their own judgments from among them.”

“Such wisdom,” says the incubus. “Truly, you shall be the King of all the world.”

Belshazzar smiles thinly.

“You too are free,” he says. “I need no praising god.”

The Bo Tree

India

As the feast of Belshazzar approaches, Siddhartha sits beneath the bo tree and thinks on life. Maya’s wings are beating, and she says to him:

Surely, Siddhartha,
If you continue this meditation
It will bring you your death.

Over the horizon, he can see them come. They are swift. They are terrible. They are an army of horror, summoned from the world to answer Maya’s need. And Maya names them as they come:

Look, this is Sakkaya-ditthi,
Raksha and enemy of the gods, but still she comes,
Twisting wind, white light in a hurricane,
Mumbling the truths of power.

Look, this is Vicikiccha,
A world-breaking fiend, like a panther, like a snake,
Crawling on two legs towards you
Dragging his tail behind him
Burning you with his eyes.

Look, this is Silabbataparamasa,
Dark sorceress clad in writhing rituals,
Hidden in a cloak of night,
Practicing the magic of your end.

Look, here are my daughters, child:
Tanha, whom you must love;
Arati, whom you must hate,
Raga, whom you must lust for.

Here is Arupa-raga, a distancing god,
Here is Mana, raksha, clad in robes
Here is Uddhacca, born of the monster’s need
Here is Avijja, demon, your undoing.

Look, Siddhartha, as they come,
Boiling over the horizon.
They shall be your death.

And Siddhartha looks at them, and he sees the laws of their natures, and he says, I shall die, mother, but not in such a fashion as this.

Belshazzar’s Feast

Babylon

The celebration rages through Babylon. It is punctuated by screams and cries of ecstasy. And Daniel stands before Belshazzar, and says, “My people cannot be here, Belshazzar. Living under your rule will destroy us. It is time to let Judea go.”

Belshazzar rises from his throne. He is drunk. His eyes are cold.

“Where was your God when I needed him?”

Daniel shakes his head. “That isn’t relevant.”

Belshazzar’s nostrils flare. He is not a bad man in all ways, but he is not a very good drunk.

“I find your people wanting,” he says. “I will devour you. I will break your faith and prove your Lord is meaningless and in so doing I shall unmake everything your people are.”

Daniel lowers his head. He walks away.

Belshazzar turns to a servant.

“Fetch forth the ceremonial vessels taken from the temple at Jerusalem,” Belshazzar commands. “I shall defile them here, at the feast of Belshazzar, and then there shall be no people of Judea, no tribe of Abraham, no servants of Daniel’s almighty God, but henceforth only emptiness.”

And so he drinks, but as he drinks, the seraph enters the room; and there is no one whose eyes follow the seraph but Belshazzar himself.

The seraph’s hand is red.

“Mene,” writes the seraph on the wall, in letters of crimson and black. “Mene. Tekel. Peres.”

The Bo Tree

India

Siddhartha is unmoved.

The army of Maya has cast itself against him, and it has broken. Stone, and ice, and knives have rained from the heavens upon him, and even the devas opened their umbrellas to shield them from so terrible a rain—but Siddhartha is unmoved.

Flaming rocks fall upon him, and in Maya’s eyes Siddhartha sees the bite of an unmeasurable pain, and he bows his head, but he does not leave, and he does not die, and he does not break.

Finally, Maya is exhausted, finally there is nothing left in her, finally she is curled upon the ground and saying:

Why have you left me alive, my son,
To know my helplessness?

Belshazzar’s Feast

Babylon

It is later that night, and Belshazzar has devoured the alcohol from his blood and now there is only a headache.

“Daniel,” he says, “what does it mean, this writing on the wall?”

“‘You have been measured and found wanting.‘”

Belshazzar laughs. He cannot stop laughing. He shouts, into the air of Babylon, “It’s so! It’s so! I will judge myself so!”

The Bo Tree

Dualistic Existence

Siddhartha holds out his hand to the treasure wheel, and says,

You weep, mother, because I will be a Buddha.
Yet only the Buddha can end your tears.

Listen. This is enlightenment:
Suffering is unnecessary.

To make it unnecessary—
That is the nature of the Buddha.
That is my dharma.

There is no room in all the natures of the world for the truth he has just named; and in that moment, the purpose of the world is emptiness, and the treasure wheel is hollow. And in Babylon, Belshazzar’s teeth cut and tear at his own flesh, and the devouring god devours himself, and into him like a rushing river pour all the natures of the world.

539 years before the common era, the world is delivered from sorrow.

Daphne and Her Dog

Monday, April 18th, 2005

There are a lot of eyes on her, as Daphne walks into the little coffee shop in the little town.

She doesn’t like what the thoughts behind those eyes seem to be.

Daphne’s footsteps click across the tiles of the floor. The shadows of her heels are next to the glaring reflections of the overhead lights. She reaches the counter. She has the waitress’ full attention. She says, “I can’t seem to find the exit to this town.”

“Ain’t none,” says the waitress.

Her nametag says LILY.

Daphne opens her mouth. Daphne closes her mouth. Daphne starts over.

“I’m sorry,” Daphne says, “but I must have misheard. I turned off the freeway into Nesiston a few hours ago to get gasoline for my van. Now I want to get back to the highway. But I can’t seem to find the right road. Could you tell me where it is?”

The waitress shakes her head. “Ain’t no road out. You’re in Nesiston fore’er. Damned like the rest of us in this l’il suburb of Hell.”

“Oh,” says Daphne.

A harsh masculine voice interrupts.

“Does she have anything?”

The question’s come from a man who’s sitting in one of the booths near the door, nursing a cup of coffee. He’s grim and grizzled and wearing a blue shirt. For a moment no one answers.

“Lord,” mutters the waitress, under her breath. “Hank’s demon-taken again.”

“I said,” Hank says, rising to his feet and assuming a bellicose stance, “Does she have anything?”

Daphne turns to face him.

“You’re drunk,” she says, voice low and cool. “I don’t want any trouble.”

“Drunk.” Hank looks back at his coffee. He sneers. Then he looks at her. “You’re new. You came from outside. You have stuff. Books? Parts? Food?”

He’s walking forward now. He’s grabbing at her purse. She tries to stop him, but his hand is on her wrist, much bigger than her wrist, and twisting it away; and she shouts. Hank’s other hand rises to hit her face; and then there is a delicate ringing of the bell at the door, and the noise.

It is low. It is terrible. It is a growling.

Daphne’s dog has pushed open the door of the shop, and is standing there, four feet splayed, mouth slightly open, and growling.

It is not a sane noise.

“I didn’t mean nothing,” says Hank. His hand is lowering to his side again. His eyes are full of white. “I didn’t mean nothing. It was the demons. The demons had me.”

“Back away,” says Daphne. “Sit down, against the counter. I’m leaving.”

Hank takes two steps back and a few steps around to the side. He sits down. He slumps back against the counter.

He looks very small.

Daphne goes. She stands by her dog.

“It’s just the demons,” says the waitress. She looks at Daphne. “Can’t blame Hank. There’s no liquor in the coffee. You’ll understand.”

“Come on,” says Daphne, and turns. The growling stops, as if she’d turned it off with a switch. Daphne walks away.

“It doesn’t make sense,” Daphne says.

There are cracks in the sidewalk. The asphalt’s worn down. She opens the door of her van and gets inside. Her dog scrambles over her and into the passenger’s seat.

“Come on,” Daphne says. “We’ll find a hotel.”

There’s a compass in the glove compartment. She fishes it out. It’s spinning.

There’s clouds overhead. They’re not like normal clouds, though. They’re like clouds spun up in an ice cream maker, streaks of cumulus all twisted and thinned.

Daphne drives around for a while before she finds the White Ice Hotel. She parks. She gets out. Her dog hops down. She goes in.

The lobby is empty, until she rings the bell.

After a while, a tall lean man skulks out. His name tag reads MAYHEW.

“Ah,” says Mayhew. “Ah. You are . . . new. New, yes?”

“I am passing through,” says Daphne.

“This is the Nesiston Hospitality Center,” says Mayhew. “It used to be a hotel. But now it is a hospitality center. It is a place for you to stay until you can settle into this town. You will need a job, of course. And a home. There are many homes. They are abandoned but in serviceable shape. It would be best, hm, if you found yourself a bachelor, but it is not necessary; there is not any real point, not in Nesiston, not where there are no children. I will assign you a room. You look like you would like a view. I will assign you a higher room. Is there anything I can explain? Are you familiar with your situation?”

He approaches her. He is holding out a pamphlet. He is a bit too close, a bit too far into her space, and there is the slightest hint of a growl.

Mayhew backs away, ever so marginally, still holding out the pamphlet. He looks down. His eyes widen slightly.

“You have one of those.”

Daphne says, “I have a dog. He is a good dog.”

Mayhew squats down. He looks into the dog’s eyes.

“He will need a pamphlet too,” says Mayhew. “Will he not?”

The dog’s throat works. It is clearly difficult. But with great effort, it manages a harsh whisper of words. “. . . I ruh-pose.”

Mayhew straightens, briskly. He walks back behind the counter and collects another pamphlet. He returns and offers them both to Daphne.

“I will give the two of you room 35. It is in, ah, adequate shape, given the exigencies, you understand. It is convenient to the stairs for walkies. I hope that the two of you shall settle well into Nesiston.”

He is leading them towards the elevator.

“Most people,” says Daphne. She licks her lips. “Most people are afraid.”

“Hm, yes,” agrees Mayhew. He presses the button. “I am afraid. He is a very frightening boy, isn’t he? Isn’t he?”

His hand is caressing the dog’s ear. The dog’s mouth opens in a pant.

“It is so typical,” says Mayhew. “That they should make such things, that they should train enhanced dogs as soldiers, that they should simply abandon them when the experiment did not succeed. But he has a conscience, hm? Don’t you? Good boy.”

“Rhycopath,” whispers the dog. But the dog does not press the point.

The elevator opens. Mayhew gestures Daphne and her dog in. She stands in the elevator. Mayhew presses a keycard into her palm.

“It does not matter,” says Mayhew. “So what if he is a killer? We are all killers, here.”

Daphne blinks at him.

The door closes and the elevator begins to rise.

“It’s weird, Scooby,” says Daphne.

“Weird?”

“Everything,” she says. She walks to their room. She opens the door. She leads the dog in and she flops on the bed and she looks at the pamphlet. “Welcome to Nesiston.”

“Resiston,” whispers the dog. He pads over to the window. He puts his front paws on the window ledge and looks out at the sky.

“Nesiston used to be normal,” Daphne says. “Apparently. It used to have roads in and out. But then one day, suddenly, you’d be driving down the road out of town and you’d come out on main street again; or in some back alley; or, once, out of a child’s closet and right over her sleeping body. It didn’t work any better to walk. There just wasn’t any way out any more.”

Daphne goes silent for a while. She’s flipping through the pamphlet as if searching for something. Then she frowns.

“It doesn’t say where the food comes from,” she says. “Or the electricity. Or where the sewage goes. Just that Dexter Greene down at the TAE Research Center was nice enough to share some of his stockpiled supplies.”

“‘Not ruh-posed to ask questions,’” mumbles the dog. There’s old pain in his voice.

“Yeah,” says Daphne. “It’s just like that.”

She stands up. She goes to him. She scratches at his ears and he leans into her hand.

“It’s okay,” she says. “We’ll solve the mystery.”

The dog’s tail wags.

“Anyway,” says Daphne, “people started getting weird after a while. Their minds would be overwhelmed by demons, and they’d do horrible things. They’d kill. Or hurt. Or steal. And eventually everyone learned to live with it, ’cause if you didn’t forgive and forget when someone else was demon-ridden, what’d they do when you were?”

The dog’s eyes close.

“But no one’s going to do anything horrible to us, right, Scooby?”

“Right.”

Daphne looks at the sky. She yawns. “I’m going to nap,” she says. “Then we’ll get to the bottom of all this stuff.”

The dog looks languidly over at her as she rises; and it is one of those times when the look in those eyes terrifies her, and she must use all the control she has to keep her hands steady and her words kind and remember that the dog is usually safe for those he loves.

She is sleeping, tossing and turning, when a bark rings like a peal of thunder in the confines of the room. She is on her feet. She is looking around. She half-expects that there will be men with guns.

There are not.

But there is a violet light twisting in the eastern sky.

“There,” says the dog.

Daphne looks at the map of town in her pamphlet. “The TAE Research Center,” she says. “I should have known it would be at the bottom of this.”

“Ret’s ro.”

They race out, down the stairs, and out the door.

Behind them, in the shadows, Mayhew looks regretful. He lifts the receiver of the phone. He places a call.

Daphne drives her van to the gravel lot in front of TAE Research Center. She parks. She and her dog get out. She marches to the front door and knocks.

The door, as if of its own volition, creaks open.

“Uh oh,” Daphne says.

They sneak forward, into the building’s main hall. They have not made it ten steps when the door, without obvious agency, slams closed.

“Bad,” says the dog.

There is a high groaning sound in the air. The building shakes.

Before them, strange and sudden, there is a man — no, not a man, but a thing like a man, without definite shape or form, blurring and twisting in the air.

“A demon,” whispers Daphne.

“You have come,” says the shape, “into Hell.”

Daphne can hear hissing. She feels strangely faint.

“Run,” she says.

They are running, but it is futile. The corridors twist and turn on themselves. Whichever way they run, they find themselves returning once again to the hall, and the colorless gas that even Daphne can smell, and the demon. Windows lead them into filing cabinets. Doorways that should open to the front open, instead, to the back of the hall. Once, Daphne emerges from a gap between two pillars to find her own hand shivering and blurring like the demon’s; and the scream that rips from her throat then is no human scream; and the dog reacts, and his teeth close on her arm, and they are still on her arm, set very gently into the bone, when she falls back and finds herself human again.

“Oh, oh, Scooby,” she says.

The dog opens his mouth. He backs away. He says, “Your blood. I taste your blood, Daphne.”

It is a lost sound, and she kneels and hugs him.

Then he is lunging, and she is falling, twisted by the sudden movement, and he is on the demon’s chest, having knocked it back from where it was standing right behind her, and his teeth are snapping and his claws are flailing at the demon’s chest, and suddenly, the demon in a voice like a man’s shouts, “Stop! Please stop!”

And the gas is no longer hissing out into the hall, and the demon is not blurred but is a man in a white coat, and Daphne realizes that the cold distant feeling in her mind is most likely shock.

“What . . . who . . .”

She looks at the man. She recognizes him from his photo in the pamphlet. “It’s Dexter Greene. You’re not a demon at all! You were just trying to scare us away.”

“Yes. Yes, yes. Please, call him off. Call off the dog.”

“Scooby.”

The dog begins to growl. But he backs away. His legs are stiff. His body is stiff. But he backs away.

“What he?” asks the dog.

“I don’t — wait,” says Daphne. “I understand. You did this, didn’t you? You turned space on the town in on itself. Just like you did to keep us from getting away, and to make yourself look so strange. You must be the one providing supplies and electricity. But why?”

“It is twisted space,” says Dexter Greene. “It is my greatest invention.”

“It is . . .”

“Rerverse,” says the dog. Then it coughs. “Puh. Puh. Puh-rerverse.”

“They were going to steal my invention,” says Dexter Greene. “The people I worked for. It was in my contract. They were going to steal my greatest invention, I would never have seen one dime over my salary, and they would have put it to use. But no. I showed them. I stole the laboratory. I stole the town. I made it my kind of place. Don’t you understand? I made myself a demon! I showed them what they deserved! I taught the people of Nesiston that they were in Hell! And they still loved me! They loved me as their savior and as their demon god!”

“Pathetic,” says Daphne.

Then she pauses.

“But what about the demons?” she says. “The possessions? The horrible crimes?”

Dexter looks small.

“They made that part up themselves,” he says.

It is hours later. They are driving away from Nesiston. The dog nudges Daphne.

“Stress,” he says.

So she pulls over and opens her medicine kit and takes out one of the dwindling supply of pills that helps her dog stay sane; and she tosses it to him; and he bites it from the air.

“There you are, Scooby,” she says.

And they drive on.

Ink in Perspective

Thursday, May 26th, 2005

“The world of competitive spelling is not Hell,” says Ink Catherly. Then she adds, “H-E-L-L. Hell. It’s not. That.”

“Ink,” warns Mama Carpenter, “You listen to what I’m telling you. If you’re going to be the kind of girl who doesn’t cooperate, who badmouths Mama Carpenter, who doesn’t study her spelling, or who won’t give me the data I need for her spelling bee forms—you’ll find out what Hell is like real quick.”

Ink glares at her. “I don’t care. This is just a stupid orphanage with stupid priorities and I’m going to leave your whole world behind as soon as I can.”

“Go to the quiet room,” Mama Carpenter says. “You go to the quiet room, and you think on what I’ve said, and when you come out, you’d better be ready to tell me what Ink is really short for.”

“Just because you can’t spell Pancreozyminchoriomammotropinate,” sulks Ink.

“Disrespectful child,” sulks Mama Carpenter back.

Ink stomps off.

Floor 93-DL: They throw their children into pools, here, when the children are bad.

There is never a shark in the pool when the child is thrown in.

But sometimes there is a shark, once they hit.

“Children with overactive imaginations bring their own doom down on their heads,” say the parents, philosophically. “You cannot hold us accountable for the actions of imaginary sharks.”

There is so much blood!

But I think that it is better, because if the children survived, then as adults they could dream up scarier things than sharks.

When they threw me in, the water was a shock, and above me, as I turned and struck for air, the waves broke the sky into ten thousand parts.

“Now we have no sky,” they mourned. “Plus, you are still alive and have not been eaten by a shark.”

“Perhaps it disgorged me, and I am now a revivified shark-powered horror,” I said.

This was not responsible of me.

In the quiet room Ink meets Emily.

Emily is a girl. She’s been stuffed in the orphanage just like Ink was. And Emily is on Jump.

“What’s it like?” Ink asks, after a while.

Emily blinks. Her eyes clear and focus. She looks at Ink. Then she laughs a bit, nervously. “What? Jump?”

“Yeah.”

Emily shrugs. “It’s a thing,” she says. “T-H-I-N-G. Thing.”

Emily paces in long circles around the room. Suddenly, Emily jumps. Her head strikes something that Ink can’t see. There’s a sound like a ringing bell. When Emily lands, she has a crisp five dollar bill in her hands.

“It’s Jump,” Emily says.

Ink watches Emily pace. “How does it work?”

Emily flushes suddenly. She sits down. She tries to hold herself still. “It’s not like you think,” she says. “I can stop. If I want to.”

Ink looks blank.

“It’s not important,” Emily stresses. “Not like spelling. That’s what Mama Carpenter says. It doesn’t mean anything when I jump.”

Emily’s fingers twitch. She looks down at the floor.

“It’s just a little bit of a pill,” Emily says. “Just a little bit. Only, it’s like . . . when I don’t Jump, when I haven’t, when I’ve just been spelling, it feels . . . stressy. S-T-R-E-S-S-Y. Stressy. Oh God.”

Emily jerks to her feet. She paces about furiously. Then she jumps.

There is a sound like the ringing of a bell. Chocolate bars fall from the air all around Emily. Emily seizes one, strips off the wrapper, and begins to chew frantically as she paces.

“It’s not very quiet for a quiet room,” Mama Carpenter admits. She’s leaning against the door behind Ink.

“Huh?”

Ink glances briefly at Mama Carpenter but she can’t take her eyes off of Emily for long.

“It’s supposed to be a quiet room,” Mama Carpenter says. “That’s why the walls are soft and there aren’t any toys. It’s so that you can settle down and learn the futility of protest.”

Mama Carpenter’s voice is apologetic.

“But you can’t really destimulate a Jumper, and I can’t afford a separate quiet room for each of you, so if you grow up bratty and intemperate, you’ll have to blame my underfunded orphan spirit-breaking budget.”

“It’s all right, ma’am,” says Ink. “I didn’t really want to be destimulated anyway. What is she jumping into?

“It doesn’t matter, Ink. P-A-N-C-R-E-O-Z-Y-M-I-N-C-H-O-R-I-O-M-A-M-M-O-T-R-O-P-I-N-A-T-E. Ink.”

“You looked that up,” Ink accuses.

Mama Carpenter says, smugly, “It’s not your name, though. No one compounds random pituitary hormones when naming their child.”

“Enh,” shrugs Ink.

“It doesn’t matter. The jumpers say they’re popping invisible demons, but—well.”

Mama Carpenter raises her voice.

“It’s not very important to pop invisible demons, Emily, is it now? It doesn’t matter in the real world, you know. Not like algebra or spelling.”

Emily flushes bright red, crouches against the wall, and hides her face in her hands.

“I’m sorry, Mama Carpenter. I’m sorry. You’re totally right! It’s just . . . it’s just . . .”

Emily retreats to spelling.

“J-U-S-T. It’s just! It’s just that if I don’t pop the demons, they ally with the forces of Hell, and if I do pop them, I get prizes!”

There’s a flash of brilliance in Emily’s eyes.

“I bet I could pop one that would give me good grades on spelling quizzes! Q-U-I-Z-E-S. Quizzes!”

“Oh, Emily,” says Mama Carpenter. Her voice is sad.

Floor 93-DF: I took a picture of a camera. The camera, naturally, exploded.

For most of the day, I thought that was a special property of Floor 93-DF. But I asked Brad and he explained that it’s part of how cameras work in general. The infinite recursion of the photograph collapses the dimensions and makes a nanoscale white hole. It’s not unusual, any more than the infinite recursion effect you get with two mirrors is.

I thought Floor 93-DF was weird. But it’s not. There’s nothing wrong with it except that it is just too much like home.

“Invisible demons, you say?” Ink asks.

“They march around,” Emily says. “Then I jump. I pop them with my head! But when the Jump-trance fades, I stop seeing them. Then . . .”

“Then?”

“Then I kind of want to see them again,” Emily confesses. “Because I know they’re there. They’re always there. And I can pop them! It’s like a zit. It’s irresistible! You have to pop them! I have to pop them, Ink!”

Emily springs to her feet in a fury, charges halfway across the room, and jumps.

The bell rings furiously. A disembodied voice announces, “DOUBLE PRIZE—DRAGON!”

“Nice,” Mama Carpenter admits. She’s a little impressed despite herself.

“Dragons help you map the emptiness,” Emily says.

Emily looks pleadingly at Mama Carpenter.

“That’s like spelling, isn’t it?”

“It’s exactly the opposite of spelling,” Mama Carpenter says. “O-P-P-O-S-I-T-E. The opposite!”

“Is that how you spell opposite?” Ink asks, momentarily distracted from the meat of the story. “I mean, I would have said the same thing, but spelled out out loud like that it sounds wrong.”

“Don’t mess with Mama Carpenter when it comes to spelling,” says Mama Carpenter. “I don’t run a state-approved orphanage for nothing.”

Ink processes.

“This is a weird floor,” Ink says, in a small voice. “But it does have demons, so I guess it’s a step in the right direction.”

“Hon,” says Mama Carpenter, “if you’re looking for Hell, this world is pretty much it. Just ask Mephistopheles.”

“He’s here?”

Ink looks around frantically.

“. . . no,” says Mama Carpenter. “It’s a Faust reference.”

Mama Carpenter peers at Ink.

“What kind of family do you come from, Ink, where you can grow to twelve long years old and you don’t even know Doctor Faustus?”

“F-A-U-S-T-U-S,” spells Ink, in a desperate attempt to recover her intellectual cred.

“Honestly,” says Mama Carpenter. “You’re probably lucky you’re an orphan.”

Emily jumps.

Floor 93-DN: There was a Jesuit booth in the mall here. He was giving away free knotted whipcords, so that people could perform home mortification in honor of the Lord.

It was really really funny, but then it made me sad.

There was a beggar in the corner of the mall, and he’d been whipping himself there, which only made sense, because the mall was the closest thing to a home that that beggar had. And his back was leaking blood, great smeary streaks of it, and where he’d cut the muscles open he was growing angel’s wings.

I was scared for a long time, because I knew where the exit had to be in a world where self-mortification had temporal rather than spiritual benefits. Then I found out that it still counted even if you used a topical anesthetic so it wouldn’t hurt.

I’m going to try it soon, so I can move on.

Wish me luck.

“I’ve got to make dinner,” says Mama Carpenter. “So you two stay in here and you think about what you’ve done. And maybe if you’re willing to open up a little, Ink, and if you’ll can it with the jumping, Emily, I’ll bring you both a portion before bed.”

Emily looks appalled.

“You can’t threaten us with bed without supper! That’d be inhumane,” Emily says.

“You’ve got Jump food,” Mama Carpenter points out. “You can Jump yourself down a bloody Chicken Kiev if you want to.”

“Jump food makes me feel so guilty,” says Emily.

“If you don’t learn the futility of life,” says Mama Carpenter, “you’re never going to make it in the real world.”

Ink spells, clearly and precisely, “B-I-T-C-H.”

Mama Carpenter waits.

Ink hesitates.

“Well?” says Mama Carpenter.

Ink is mute. She doesn’t say the word, which means that technically she could have been misspelling some other word such as “Apples” instead of spelling “Bitch” correctly.

Mama Carpenter sighs.

Mama Carpenter shakes her head sadly. She walks out. She closes the door behind her. She slides the lock shut.

“Seems to me like Jumping is better,” Ink says.

“No,” says Emily. “It’s meaningless. I don’t want to do it any more, Ink. I mean, I really don’t. I just . . . it’s hard to stop. It’s shimmery and shiny and it draws you in and—”

Emily interrupts herself and switches topics completely.

“—you shouldn’t be so mean to Mama Carpenter, Ink. She’s a morally ambiguous character with both virtues and vices! That’s different from being evil. She just . . . she can’t help that we’re bad children.”

“I’m an explorer,” Ink says.

“That’s a phylum of the class ‘bad child,’” Emily proposes.

“. . . It seems like Jumping is better.”

Emily sighs. She sits down again. It looks like the Jumping fit is fading. Emily looks at her toes.

“I sometimes wish it were,” Emily says. “W-I-S-H. Wish. I sometimes wish that it were better. That maybe someday someone would come to me and say, ‘Thank you, Emily. Thank you. If you hadn’t Jumped so much, then I’d be dead now, or broken. It mattered that you popped all those demons. That sense of meaning you had when you stomped around and jumped—it was real. Thank you for giving yourself over to service.’”

Emily shrugs.

“But they won’t. They won’t ever. Because it’s just a stupid addiction. It’s just something I learned how to do and I’m not smart enough to stop.”

“I’m sorry,” Ink Catherly says.

Floor 93-DW: I told Mama Carpenter that finding Hell was more important than a stupid spelling bee. She told me that little girls who refuse to spell afflatus wind up in Hell soon enough.

It’s my own fault, I think. I didn’t realize I should be taking her literally until I saw the Gate That Proper Spellers Cannot Pass.

It was right there. I could see the flames. They shone like the stars in a winter sky. They shone like the dance of the angels. They were warm and bright and they kindled my heart, and I have been aching ever since.

I have decided to study l33t in case I find that gate again.

Emily looks up. “That demon there is the passage to the next level,” she says. She points languidly, then lets her hand fall.

“Next level?”

Emily shrugs a little.

“I don’t know what that means,” Emily admits. “I just thought it was neat. I don’t see them very often. They’re one of the ones I avoid, like the extra lives.”

Emily gives a pained half-smile. “I knew a Jumper who got an extra life once. It . . . it wasn’t very nice.”

Ink’s eyes are intent. “Where is the demon?”

Emily shrugs. “It doesn’t matter, remember?”

“Humor me.”

Emily stares at Ink.

“It’s short for Incompatible,” Ink says.

Emily is quiet and solemn. Her thoughts linger for a moment on Ink’s words.

Then Emily points, and Ink follows her finger, triangulating against where a hypothetical second Emily might point.

And Ink Jumps.

An Unclean Legacy: “Glorious Unicorn Santrieste”

Thursday, October 27th, 2005

Once upon a time, they say, Gargamel the sorcerer bound the Devil between five peaks.

The people of that mountainous region were not well-pleased. Once-fertile land lay now permanently in shadow under the Devil’s back. His thrashing brought earthquakes. His cords and tail cut scores across the land.

The locals were human.

They adapted.

They built a new city on the Devil’s rich stomach. They used his bonds as bridges. They learned to tune out his tempting whispers, his ear-piercing wails, his threats and his promises.

Life went on.

Then Santrieste the unicorn came.

He was beautiful, was Santrieste. His eyes were the color of smoked glass. His mane was wild and his heart was clean.

His feet clicked and clacked on the stone as he walked along the mountain ledges.

“Free me,” said the Devil.

Santrieste twisted his head. He eyed the Devil. His nostrils flared, as if to say: Why should I do that, enemy of the world?

“It is not right,” said the Devil, “that any being should be thus chained.”

The unicorn hesitated. These words struck him as terribly just, and it was not in his nature to flee from the truth. He lowered his head. He whuffed.

There is a price for all such acts, he said. Why should I pay it?

And the Devil’s answer was cold and clean and it cut the unicorn’s soul down to the bone: “Because you are here, and because you can.”

So Santrieste reached the bond on the Devil’s left arm, and with one stroke of his horn he cut it away.

We do not know how Montechristien Gargamel came into his power. His origins are a mystery. How such an ungainly, strange, and immoral man could rise so swiftly to prominence puzzles even the greatest scholars of our time. Of his life once established in Castle Gargamel, however, certain facts are known.

He took to wife the Lady Yseult Gargamel, one of the great beauties of his day; and though many a rival pressed for evidence that he’d bewitched or stolen her, none was ever found. They had and loved six children of their flesh, until the seventh, Elisabet, killed Yseult with the complications of her birth. Each of these children was a prodigy, possessed of astonishing talents. When at last Montechristien stumbled towards the grave, the talents of his children turned against their siblings, every hand against the other, until at last they could dispose of the matter of their legacy.

This is the third installment of the story of that time.

It is Manfred’s tenth birthday.

The children stand in the old cathedral by Castle Gargamel.

Manfred strives to look solemn as Tomas sets new armor on him, piece by piece. Yet when the sunlight bursts through the broken roof and gets into his eyes, he loses his composure. He casts his still-naked arm before his eyes and he looks down. There he sees Elisabet, who is seven, staring up at him in awe, and he cannot resist a tease.

Ninjas don’t get to wear armor, you know.”

Elisabet, in her capacity as a ninja, really wants to say something. She really wants to tongue-lash him. But this is Manfred’s day. So she doesn’t. Instead she turns as red as a beet as she keeps all the words she’d like to say inside.

“Hee hee,” says Manfred. Then Tomas cinches him with the padding straps. Manfred’s eyes bug out. He sticks out his tongue at Tomas, retracts it, and reassumes the saintly demeanor in which he was becoming armored.

“You’ll have to make an oath,” Tomas says.

He is looking in a book. It is an old book of spells.

“An oath?” Manfred says.

“Something to tell the world who you are,” Tomas says.

“I will not shed innocent blood,” Manfred says. And there is a shine to him as he speaks.

“So be it,” says Tomas.

He affixes the white brassards to Manfred’s arms. They glow with the seals of saints and demons as they close.

“The rest you may remove,” Tomas says. “But these shall never leave you, nor let you break your oath.”

And Manfred lowers his eyes.

“Oh!” cries Elisabet, and looks south towards the door; for there, in the entrance to the cathedral, walking gently and clickily on the broken stone, there is the unicorn. He has come in answer to the ritual that Tomas has worked; in response to the summoning magic of Montechristien Gargamel; and in payment for a debt.

He is the most beautiful thing that Manfred has ever seen.

The unicorn ignores Elisabet, save for a sidelong glance and gentle whicker. He walks past Tomas without a glance. He pushes with his great head (but not his horn) against Manfred’s side.

“He’s mine?” Manfred asks. His heart is in his throat. His voice is yet unbroken.

Tomas looks in the book again. He skims it for any contraindications.

“He’s yours,” Tomas concludes, and he slams the book shut.

Looking into the unicorn’s eyes, Manfred knows his name.

Santrieste,” Manfred says.

And Manfred swings up onto the unicorn’s back, and he rides out into the lands of fable; and the unicorn is swift and Manfred’s heart leaps seven times with glee; and he casts an exultant glance upwards to the angel that sits on his right shoulder, proud of what he has chosen to become.

The angel is frowning.

“What?” Manfred says. He laughs. “I’ve won!”

“There is no virtue in you now,” says Manfred’s angel. “Only chains.”

An Unclean Legacy


Glorious Unicorn Santrieste

It does not sink in for Manfred for some time what he has done.

It is more than eight months later that Tomas, in a fit of rage, shoves Manfred from his chair. Manfred rises.

Manfred is thinking: I must not hit him. Tomas is fragile. His nose will explode. It’s funny but it’s bad when someone’s nose explodes.

And then it is with a strange sick feeling that Manfred realizes that he has no choice. He has given himself to a unicorn, bound himself soul to soul to something holy, and he is bound forever by his oath.

“It doesn’t matter what I decide,” says Manfred.

Tomas looks blankly at him.

Manfred walks out. He goes to the stable. He finds Santrieste. He stares at the unicorn, face to face.

The unicorn tosses his head.

Shall we ride?

That’s what Manfred thinks the unicorn is saying. He’s a ten year old boy, and not the Devil, so his grasp of equine is not perfect.

It’s sunny out, indicates Santrieste.

“How could you?” Manfred asks.

There is a pause.

“How could you?”

And now Manfred is crying.

Tears blind him.

He does not see the reaction of the glorious magical beautiful unicorn Santrieste, which is, quite simply, Huh?

Thus we have seen the truth of Manfred before his fall; and something of him after. But he is not the only troubled heir returning to Castle Gargamel.

Tune in tomorrow for the next breathtaking chapter of An Unclean Legacy: “The Soulless Girl!”

An Unclean Legacy: “Sophie and the Devil”

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005

That night as the questing shadow comes Sophie does not run.

She stands there and the moonlight is behind her so she shines.

There is a sword of bone in her hand.

So dead old Baltasar stops and he stares at her through his ruined eyes. She does not move.

Slowly, taut with the pain of moving his broken body, he steps forward.

“Tonight,” says Sophie, in a clear and ringing voice, “I will destroy you. Or I will make you my slave. Or I will force you to leave me alone for all of the days of the world. Or, should I be vindictive, should I be angry for these past seven years, I will strip you of your throne as King of Hell and assign it instead to some lesser evil, such as a malevolent frog or Francescu’s shoulder demon. Then you will have to bow and simper and cower to it for all the days of your existence.”

There is a pause.

“And should I fail,” Sophie adds, in a concession to realism, “then I will try again tomorrow night, and the night after, and each night that follows until I succeed, and I will make you suffer more strongly for each night I have suffered before then. You have tested me and I have not broken. You may hunt me again each night between now and forever and it will only give me another chance to win.”

There is moonlight in her hair.

You are mine, and you will be mine, says the shadow.

But the shadow is hesitating, and it is more than just the ruination of the corpse.

Sophie lowers her sword. She points it at the shadow.

“Do we begin?”

And . . .

Once upon a time there was a seraph who had a different vision for the world than God’s.

He rejected the drive that would lead the world to grace. And God said to him, “Then I shall cast you from Heaven into the blue realm, whence you may strive against me to bring harmony and fellowship into the world even when it opposes the fabric of the greater design.”

“No,” said that seraph.

“Is it the purple realm, then, that calls you? Are you to be a servant of the life?”

“I am indifferent to life,” said that seraph.

“Then you may choose the onyx realm, though it sorrows me, the realm of Saraman and Santrieste; the realm that dreams of silence and the dark.”

“There is a realm of burning red,” that seraph said.

And God hardened his heart against that seraph and cast him down into the fire of the pit; and everlasting damnation decreed against him; and shattered in him forever the understanding of God’s grace.

Now that fallen creature seeks to turn men and women from the path of righteousness. Now he seeks the damnation of the world. As the serpent he broke the Garden of Eden. As the reveler in white he brought the flood. As the red giant he fought with Montechristien Gargamel. As old dead Baltasar he hunted Sophie down the road.

He will not rest while grace exists within this world. He is the architect of sin.

The shadow forces words from dead Baltasar’s lungs. “We will not start yet.”

Suddenly there is a chill in Sophie. Every sense is telling her that behind her there are eyes. Her hackles rise. She casts about with her mind, but there is no physical location sourcing this unease; it is “behind” her in the realm of spirit. The attention grows more strict; more fierce; more painful. There is a flare of red and black in her mind.

Her legs go nerveless and she sits.

The thing in dead old Baltasar sits down opposite her. It writhes inside the corpse. Then it abandons it. The corpse dissolves. Body parts black and blue and rotten fall to every side. Shadow dissipates.

Sophie glimpses a portal to another realm in the Devil’s shapelessness. It is a horror too great for her mind to comprehend. She squints, trying to filter it down to pieces she can grasp, but by that time it is too late. The enemy has chosen its new form.

It has become a lean and elfin man, four feet tall. He has horns. They are simple, curved, and short.

He is shirtless, though trousers hide his shame.

He is red, red, red, and his shapeless cap is white.

“I do not wish to engage you on those terms,” says the horned man.

Sophie forces out these words: “It is beyond your power to change.”

“I am a coward,” says the horned man casually. “It is because I have so much to lose. So we will converse, you and I, and find another way to settle our affair.”

“This is not a conversation,” Sophie points out, struggling even to speak.

“Ah.”

The sense of a predator’s gaze vanishes away. Feeling returns to Sophie’s limbs. She curls in on herself, gasping in breath, shivering, recovering, restoring order to her mind.

“It is not my specific intention to hurt you, though I am perfectly willing to see you in agony,” the horned man says. “You do not find my attentions enjoyable because change is distressing, and I must change you.”

Sophie half-looks up, squinting. “Why?”

An Unclean Legacy


“Sophie and the Devil”

The horned man tilts his head to the side. “Will I gain points with you, Sophie, for answering that question?”

“If the answer doesn’t suck.”

“I disagree with God as to the proper purpose for this world,” the horned man says. He stands up. Sophie notices for the first time that his trousers include pointed booties for his feet, and it is only because she is exhausted and terrified and wounded that she is successful in smothering her laughter. “He directs it like a symphony towards a kingdom of eternal grace. But I find it more interesting to develop its potential for drama and tragedy.”

Sophie is staring at him.

“What?” the Devil asks, irritably.

“You’re still trying to oppose him?”

The red thing laughs. “I would think you of all people would understand that, Sophie.”

Sophie blushes a little. “Yes,” she says, “I mean, sure, but still?

The red thing frowns, just a little.

“In truth,” he says. “I am winning. It is the nature of humanity to count as my victories their sins and their sorrows, these petty things that win one soul at a time away from God’s eternal kingdom. Then they see sorrow and tragedy in the world and they cry out, ‘Lord, why are you cruel?’

“The former may be my work, but the latter is my pride. When God is cruel, I am victorious. When God makes people suffer. When he tests. When he punishes. When he turns a blind eye to pain. Those are the points of my victory. Those are the compromises that he makes with my red purpose to achieve his eventual kingdom.”

“. . . I am not theologically prepared to debate the problem of pain with you at this time,” Sophie says, a little dazed.

The Devil grins.

“That’s so,” he says. “In truth, you are probably best served by listening to nothing that I say. But if you did not, we could not talk, and then I would continue troubling your life.”

“So what do you want?”

“You can be anything I want,” the red thing says. “That is the gift your father gave you, that he never had reason to explain. It is your most marvelous quality: that you alone in all the world can be anything that anybody wants.”

“Anything?”

“The damnation of the world,” says the Devil. “The destruction of Montechristien. You can be everything that I desire. And yet you prefer to be a bunch of animals at once or a girl with a sword growing out of her hand.”

“Oh.”

“It is vexing,” says the Devil, “and we will resolve the matter tonight.”

Time for theology! Can you minimally adjust Pseudo-Dionysus’ hierarchy of angels to include matrices of blue energy in human shape, three apples high, wearing shapeless white caps?

Can proper Biblical exegesis reveal more about these strange creatures? Are there oblique references in Ezekiel 15 to the doom ‘Handy’ worked on Israel? Did ‘Batty’ save Zipporah and Moses from a giant snake?

Make sure to read the first nineteen installments of this story, and tune in Friday for a special Unclean Legacy: “The Duel!”