Archive for the ‘Morality Tales’ Category

Hard-Nosed Messianic Acts

Saturday, December 13th, 2003

Jesus steps onto the stage.

“I’ve got a message for all y’all.”

Jesus draws his gun. It’s got ‘Jesus loves you’ written on it in sparkling silver letters.

“I want you to love your neighbor or—”

Jesus whirls, takes aim.

“I SHOOT THIS PUPPY.”

The puppy’s eyes are very wide and sad. Its ears are floppy. It has a long history of being used by deity figures as a message for someone else.

“Look,” says Jesus. “You know that guy? You know, who got his skin caught in the printing press and ripped off to form a special edition of the Enquirer? And that other guy? You know, the one who died of AIDS? Well, a lot of people thought that was divine vengeance against them. But it’s not.”

Jesus squeezes the trigger. BANG! He spins around to point at another puppy.

“Look, mofos, it was a message for you. It’s the universe telling you, wise up, love your neighbor, do good works in the world, because you don’t know how long anyone else’ll be around.”

Jesus shoots another puppy. I guess you weren’t paying enough attention.

Do a better job, or the fluffy German shepherd gets it.

The Righteousness Game

Thursday, December 25th, 2003

RICK 1
1. See Rick.
2. Rick is reckless.
3. Rick tests his nuclear weapons on Earth.
4. Test, Rick, test!

RICK 2
1. People live on Earth.
2. Rick tests his nuclear weapons on Earth.
3. People get irradiated.
4. Mutate, people, mutate!
5. Now you can shoot strange rays out of your head.

MEREDITH 1
1. “I could do that already!” exclaims Meredith. “Mutating me was redundant!”
2. Shut up, Meredith.
3. No one wants to hear about your stupid superpowers.

RICK 3
1. Ducks live on Earth.
2. Rick tests his nuclear weapons on Earth.
3. Ducks blow up.
4. “Quack!” BOOM!
5. “Quack!” BOOM!
6. “Quaaack!”

DIANA 1
1. “Rick’s tests went poorly,” says Diana.
2. “Now people are irradiated mutants.”
3. “Also, the poor ducks!”
4. “I will test MY nuclear weapons in space.”

GOD 1
1. God lives in Heaven.
2. Heaven is in space.
3. God is out golfing.
4. The Voyager space probe hits him on the head, disrupting his shot.
5. God doesn’t complain. He’s a good sport! He just accepts his first birdie ever.
6. We could all learn a lesson from God.

GOD 2
1. God lives in space.
2. Diana tests her nuclear weapons in space.
3. Oops.

RAIN 1
1. God falls to Earth in little bits and pieces.
2. God gets into everything.
3. God was already in everything, but that’s different.

RAIN 2
1. People start picking up the little pieces of God.
2. “Now I’m righteous!” people say. “Look! I’ve got a pocketful of God!”
3. Everyone oohs and aahs. Then
4. SNATCH! They steal the God.
5. People are like that!

RICK 4
1. “God supports my testing nuclear weapons on Earth,” says Rick.
2. “See?” He points to his little piece of God.
3. It squirms uncomfortably. It wants to disagree, but Rick has it trapped!
4. If God argues, Rick will poke Him with a stick. That’s Rick’s way!
5. God used to argue with Rick, but soon He got very sore.

DIANA 2
1. “God supports my testing nuclear weapons in SPACE,” asserts Diana.
2. “See? I’ve got a piece of God too!”
3. If God argues, Diana won’t feed it! She’s not very nice to God either.

GOD 3
1. “If I were only in one piece again,” says God, “I’d sort out what for!”
2. You tell ‘em, God!
3. Rick pokes God with a stick.
4. Diana sticks her tongue out at God.
5. God sulks.

DIANA 3
1. SNATCH! Diana tries to steal Rick’s God.
2. “Silly Diana!” says Rick. “That’s not the way to be righteous!”

THE RIGHTEOUSNESS GAME
1. People keep their pieces of God very safe. You can’t just snatch them whenever!
2. You have to wait until immediately after someone says, “God supports me in this.”
3. They don’t have to use those words, but it’s what they have to mean!
4. People can’t say stuff like that unless they’ve got a piece of God. And saying that is like taking it out and showing it to you.
5. That’s your opportunity! That’s when you can grab it!
6. But do it quickly. You won’t have very long!
7. If you can grab everyone else’s righteousness before someone grabs your own, you’ve won!
8. You’ll have ALL the God!
9. That’s the righteousness game.

Theories Regarding the Box

Wednesday, January 7th, 2004

Merit City

Merit City keeps its pain in a box. The box is by the tracks. There’s a hole in the box. There’s a stick by the hole. You can poke the stick through the hole. Then the box says, “Ouch!” It’s not very surprising. That’s just the kind of vocalization you’d expect from a box of pain! Plus, it’s getting poked with a stick.

“I find the world astringent,” says a blonde woman. She has very straight hair.

“People never seem to be as moral as I’d like,” adds a short man. He has an estimable degree.

They say it together. “Let’s poke the box with a stick!”

That’s what the box is for.

The First Theory

The box has a terrorist in it. That’s why Merit City encourages you to poke the stick through the hole. It’s preventative medicine! Terrorists never visit Merit City. They’re too scared! What if they got put in the box too? They just unleash terror weapons from neighbouring jurisdictions.

Children are too sympathetic to the terrorist. They always want to feed him. “Don’t feed the terrorist!” That’s what their parents have to say.

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Why?”

“Because!”

“WHY?”

The question’s too good! The parents have to explain. “Food is what makes terrorists strong,” they say. “It contains microscopic calories that people burn for energy. Most people burn their calories to do good works and advance the cause of civilization. But a terrorist converts the special energy of calories to evil.”

Stacy feeds the terrorist anyway. She’s too sympathetic! Sentiment causes all sorts of trouble. The box makes crunching noises. Is the terrorist consuming calories and converting them to energy? Yes! Sparks fly in every direction. Zap! Zap! Zap!

“Stacy!” her mother exclaims, aghast. “You’re grounded!”

The box always smells winter-fresh. That’s how you know it’s got a terrorist in it. Terrorists smell winter-fresh!

The Second Theory

Sid is just walking along, chilling. He’s wearing a sweater, jeans, and flip-floppy shoes. He’s pretty cute, as Sid goes. Suddenly, men in black suits surround him. “Ack!” says Sid. “Now I’m underdressed!” They grab Sid and hustle him to the train tracks. Then they put him in a box!

“Well, that helps,” says Sid, somewhat mollified. He’s still not as nicely dressed as the men in black, but no one can see.

“Ahem,” announces one of Sid’s captors. Everyone near the train turns to look. “This is a box of pain. It’s a special service — a Merit City exclusive! If you’re hurting, you should come down by the tracks. You can blame the box for your pain!”

He demonstrates. He reaches down to the ground. He picks up a stick. He pokes it through the hole in the box. He pokes Sid. “Ouch!” says Sid.

The man in black takes a deep breath and then relaxes. “I feel much better,” he says. “Everyone should try it!”

People cluster around. They blame the box for their troubles. They pick up the stick. They poke Sid through the hole. “Ouch!” says Sid.

Later, Sid says, “Er, could someone let me out of the box?” But he never says that when anyone’s around to hear. Only when he’s alone! That’s his mistake.

Sometimes, it snows, down by the train. Sid must be cold, but he never complains. Maybe the box is heated. Maybe he’s just naturally frosty. It’s difficult to say one way or the other. That’s the point of the box!

The Third Theory

Inside the box is a robot. It’s not just any robot! It’s a robotic pain. That’s the worst kind of robot. It’s an electronic nuisance!

The robot comes from the factory. The people who work at the factory wear black suits. That’s their dress code. It reduces reflections. It reduces glare! That’s what makes them so good at robotics.

“Smith,” says the boss. “Jenkins. I want you to take this robot and put it in a box. Then leave it by the tracks! It’s a Merit City exclusive. People can blame it for their pain!”

“That’s a good idea,” says Jenkins. “Otherwise, we’d have to use it for a doorstop!”

“0101101,” says the robot, mournfully.

“That’s what you think,” says Smith, and puts the robot in a box. Then he takes it down to the tracks. “Ahem,” he says. He tells people about the robot! You’ve already heard his speech.

“This is cruel to the robot,” says PETR. They break into the box. They try to free the robot. The robot zaps them. “Ow!” cry the PETR agents. “Why must humans program robots to be so mean?”

“0101101,” says the robot, with poetic irony.

PETR goes away. They can’t save this robot! It’s important to have realistic goals. “We’ll gatecrash Robot Wars and end its senseless violence!”

The winter air is crisp and clean. It’s a beautiful world.

A Mom walks by. She has a young girl and an AIBO. The AIBO sniffs the box and whines. The young girl looks at the box.

“I’ll show you, dear,” says the Mom. She picks up the stick. She pokes it through the hole. “Ouch!” says the robot.

The girl giggles. She picks up the stick. She pokes it through the hole. “Ouch!” says the robot.

Then the girl drops the stick and hugs the box. “I love you!”

“Sheila,” lectures the Mom, “don’t hug the box of pain.”

“Mommy,” says Sheila, “I want to give the box of pain my Barbie, because it’s so cool!”

The robot goes whirr-click. Then it shoots sparks at Sheila! It objects to the unrealistic portrayal of women that Barbie dolls embody.

“Hey!” Sheila says. She shoots sparks back. That’s unexpected! It must be her mutant power. Hopefully the robot’s learned its lesson about shocking five year old girls — sometimes, they bite back!

The Fourth Theory

The box is just what it says it is. It’s a box full of pain.

Never open the box! It’s very important that you don’t. If you do, the pain will get out. It’ll get into everything! Soon everyone will be hurting. Merit City won’t have public pain any more. It’ll have private pain! Ninja Buddhas will shake their fingers at you—that’s how naughty it would be!

It’s pretty obvious what you’re thinking. “You can’t lock pain up in a box!” But that just shows how much you know. The pain people feel—that’s just an echo. That’s just a memory. People haven’t known real suffering since 1963, when the first mage-smith of Merit made the first box of pain.

She was trying to make strawberry shortcake. She got the ingredients wrong.

People laugh at her when she tells that story, but shortcake is complicated! It really is! Anyone could have made that mistake!

Still Life

Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

On the mountain, there lived a young man. He had a creature that he kept in a box. It had a lot of eyes and mouths. He loved that creature.

The creature was all that kept him going. His job wasn’t happy. He didn’t have a girlfriend. His art never went anywhere. His life was small and sad. But he had his creature. His thing. He could come home and sit by the box and push food through the bars. It would eat the food. It made his heart glad. So the man didn’t have much, but he had something.

One day, he read:

If you love something,
let it go.

“I understand,” he said. So he took the creature down to the city. He opened the box. The creature crawled out.

“If you come back to me,” he said. “It was truly meant to be.”

The creature snarled. It crawled into the city. It began killing people one by one. The city called out the army. Infantry shot the creature. Tanks bombarded it with shells. It killed the infantry. It crushed the tanks. It tore down the buildings. The city died. The creature crawled on.

“This isn’t like in the proverb,” the man said. Then he shrugged. He was sad. He went back to his mountain.

He checked the news now and then. The creature destroyed civilization, bit by bit. Its path went away, away. The creature killed people the man didn’t like. This made him feel a little better. But it also killed people he admired. That made him feel worse. He stopped checking the news.

One morning the last city fell. He could hear the rockets in the distance. He could hear the fireworks. People were celebrating. It was a momentous occasion. “That’s the way of people,” he said. “When the sadness is too much, you have to start celebrating instead. I suppose, without urban centers, it’ll have to hunt people down one by one.”

It didn’t matter. He went inside. He sat by the box. He pushed some food through the bars. “Come on,” he said. “Eat.”

Nothing happened. The creature was long gone. He laughed at himself, and he took the food back. But he did it the next day, and the next. Then he cried himself to sleep.

In the morning, he woke to the sound of sirens. The creature was coming to the mountain.

He went outside. He didn’t bring his gun. There wasn’t any point. He stood out in the open, where it would see him easily; where it would kill him easily.

The creature approached. He spread his arms. He closed his eyes. He could hear it shuffle closer. He could hear it shuffle past. He heard it shuffle into his house.

He turned. His heart was very still. He went inside. He went to the box. He pushed food through the bars. It ate the food.

This made his heart glad.

Martin visits Liz

Saturday, January 24th, 2004

PROLOGUE 1
1. Liz reads.
2. Martin knocks on Liz’s door.
3. Liz opens the door.
4. “Hi!” Martin says. “I’m here to explain the divine plan for your life.”
5. Liz looks skeptical, so Martin shines with the subtle radiance of the numinous.
6. Liz sits back down.

MARTIN VISITS LIZ
“First,” Martin says, “you need to have faith.”

“I do now,” Liz admits, having seen Martin radiate.

“No,” Martin says. “That’s rational belief. It’s mundane and normal to accept the numinous when you can see it firsthand. Then, later, the preponderance of evidence makes you doubt. Surely, you decide, I never happened. It was drugs in the water. You were tired. It was a hallucination. It wasn’t real. The numinous doesn’t fit the rest of your life. Therefore, it can’t exist. That’s how rational people cope with me. You need to give that up and have faith. Otherwise, you’ll fail at everything I want you to do.”

Liz sighs. “Faith scares me.”

Martin shrugs.

Liz sighs and looks for her faith dial. It’s a big dial on the wall marked “Liz’s Faith”. She cranks it up to 8. “Are you happy?”

“Maybe.” Martin thinks. “If you really loved me, you’d go to 10.”

Liz smiles wryly.

“In any event,” Martin says. “I want you to move to California and become a lawyer.”

Liz glances nervously at the faith dial. “Okay.”

“And then I want you to kill the first gas station attendant you find.”

“Pardon?”

“You heard me.”

Liz frowns. “Can that be right?”

Martin thinks. “Yes, it can. That’s the advantage of knowing the divine plan for you. Everything you do is right. You don’t have to know how or why. That gas station attendant might be a future war criminal or a serial killer. Or maybe it’s that one domino to push over to ensure a happier tomorrow. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.”

“It sounds almost schizophrenic,” Liz says. “I mean, you come here, and you start telling me to kill someone—isn’t that what happens to mad people?”

“Yes,” agrees Martin. “And they’re right to obey. It doesn’t matter why they hear the voice of the divine. Their brain records it as evidence of divine will, and that creates a responsibility to fulfill it.”

“So . . . it’s not immoral?”

Martin tilts his head to one side. “Well, it’s murder. That’s immoral. Divine will doesn’t let you off the hook. It just creates a separate, higher responsibility.”

“Wait. You’re telling me that I have to be a murderer? I mean, that it’d be real?”

“No excuses,” says Martin. He radiates more intensely. “It’s your choice to do the right thing and serve me. It’s your duty to pay the moral cost.”

“But it’s not a choice. You’re standing there radiating. If I don’t kill him, it’s derailing the way things should happen. It’s betraying everything.”

“This is true,” admits Martin. “But I’ll leave. You can decide I wasn’t real. You can decide this didn’t happen. It was drugs in the water. You were tired. It was a hallucination. Then you won’t have to be a killer. You won’t even have to move to California. All you have to do is turn the faith dial back down, and fail at everything you were created for.”

“I can’t.”

“Not while I’m here,” Martin agreed. “You’d never do it to my face. But the dial’s there. And I’ll be gone.”

(Good Friday) Tenebrae (I/I)

Friday, April 9th, 2004

It’s 1975.

Karen lives in her own world. People do sometimes.

It’s a very neat little world. Everything has its place. Everything is as she has decided it should be.

Sometimes bad things happen. She knows why. It’s because some people don’t respect her wisdom. They don’t do things like she would. They don’t rely on her reserves of knowledge about the world. Some of them refuse. Others never get the opportunity to hear her out.

Sometimes good things happen. That’s not as common, but it happens. She makes it happen, when she can, with her own two hands.

Everything would be good, except for the wogly.

It sits on the wall. It’s a hollow thing, shaped like a torus. It has soft coral skin and two winky eyes. It hisses.

It’s there when she wakes up in the morning.

It’s there when she goes to bed at night.

“I know why you’re there,” she says one night. She sits up. She swings her legs off of the bed. She looks at it. “It’s because there’s a little bit of me still believing all the stupid stuff.”

The wogly rotates left.

“I saw a ghost once,” she says. “And a unicorn. And I take in stray cats that I find, clawless and shivering, out in the woods. And I believe in wonders.”

The wogly rotates right.

“It’s clinging to dreams,” she says. “As long as I do that, the world won’t be all the way in place.”

The wogly thinks on her words for a long time. Finally, it says, “You walk into Hell thinking of your own salvation.”

She sighs. “I shan’t expect truth from a wogly,” she says.

The wogly winks, first one eye, and then the other. It eats a little bit more of Karen’s world.

“Woglies are not measured in truth or falsehood,” it says.

“I’m right,” she says.

“What is the source of your truth?” it asks.

She flops back on the bed. She looks very tired. “The world is as it is.”

The wogly rotates smoothly, twice, in one direction. It approves of circles.

“I don’t need to believe in all the crazy things,” she says. “I have a perfectly good world.”

“Where is your child?”

She scowls. She looks up. There’s a second wogly on the wall. Its skin is the lurid green of an Amazonian snake.

“Not important,” she says. “A minor aberration,” she says.

“Where is your success?”

She hesitates. “Bad things happen,” she says, groping for consistency. “The world is a hard place.”

“The people you believe in,” the first wogly says. “The people you take your counsel from. Are they good? Can you admire the things they have done?”

The hissing is louder. There’s a third wogly in the room.

“What have you done?” the third wogly asks.

She leans back. “You ought have a care,” she says. Her face is twisted. “You ought all have a care.”

The phone rings. She doesn’t pick up, so the answering machine does. It’s the monster.

“Karen,” he says, and his voice is smooth. “I was hoping we could get together tonight.”

She can hear him adjusting his tie.

“It’s a religious occasion,” he says. “Tenebrae. The Service of Darkness. In honor of the death of Christ.”

There’s a small almost-snigger in his voice.

“It starts well-lit, but one by one, they put the candles out. Finally the whole room is dark. They say, you know, that the whole world went dark when the good Christ died.”

“I don’t like Christian ceremonies,” she says to the air. “People always get hurt.”

“Anyway,” he says, “give me a call if you’ve got time.”

There’s a click. The room is full of the hissing of woglies.

“Faith is just as insane as the magic,” she says. “But where’s the beauty? Where is the unicorn, running in the woods? Where are the wishes, and the fire, and the hopes? They’re just people wanting to feel good about themselves.”

She runs her hand through her hair. “Like me,” she admits.

The wind tugs at her clothing.

“I renounce it,” she says. “I renounce it all.” She sits up. “I can live perfectly well in the world I’ve chosen. I can seal all the gates. I can close all the cracks.” She looks wildly at the woglies. “I don’t need to remember anything else.”

“You are empty,” the first wogly says.

She closes her eyes. She ignores it. She chooses her beliefs. She opens her eyes.

The world she has chosen is thin as tissue, and full of inconsistent holes. They hiss, and they wink their eyes, and the wind roars through them. Bits of Karen fray and come off as that great wind passes. Flesh. Mind. Soul. She falls apart like a man torn by maenads or a child by lions, until only her shadow remains.

The woglies thunder strepitus, and crack wide the gates of Hell.

The Big World

Friday, July 23rd, 2004

Jane has a candle.

The candle sits on Jane’s desk. It never burns out. It fills the sphere of her little world with light. Next to the candle there’s a stuffed rabbit, white and well-loved. On the desk there’s a book. It’s a magic book, and it says different things every day. One day it gives thirty-seven good reasons to value dental hygiene. The next, it tells a fabulous story of dragons and knights. There’s always something new to discover.

In the morning, Jane wakes up. She takes a bath. She eats Cheerios. Then she goes to the crooked woman and asks, “Can I go outside today?”

Usually, the crooked woman says, “No.” On those days, Jane reads her book or plays games. The dust bunnies wage a war against the stuffed bunny, and Jane is the finest general either side has ever seen.

Some days, the woman says, “Yes.”

“Yes,” she says, today. “Go. Fetch me some teeth.”

Jane frowns. “Are you out already?”

“I go through them awfully fast,” the woman admits. “It’s because modern teeth are so low-quality.”

Jane makes a rueful expression. It’s true. They don’t make teeth like they used to.

“So, git,” the woman says.

Jane goes up the stairs. She opens the door. She blinks in the light.

It’s a bit too bright. But Jane likes it, outside, in the big world.

She walks down the street. She smiles at the people. Everyone’s happy. She reaches the end of the street. The light turns green. The sign flashes WALK. Jane’s pretty sure this is the coolest thing ever, so she waits and watches. The light turns red. The sign flashes DON’T WALK.

“Isn’t that cool?” she asks someone. He’s standing next to her. He raises an eyebrow. It’s pretty clear he has no idea how to respond.

“The light, I mean,” she clarifies. “It’s not a living thing, but it communicates in words, and it cares about whether people get hit by cars.”

“I guess,” he agrees.

“Getting hit by cars is a massive systemic shock that can cause discomfort, fainting, lowered body temperature, sweating, pallor, and even death,” Jane points out. “It’s best to avoid it!”

“That’s very good,” he says. He looks around for Jane’s mother. The light turns green. The sign flashes WALK. He hurries across. Jane follows.

The sidewalks are very clean, in the big world. The buildings are old but sturdy. Jane sees a dog sniffing at a fire hydrant.

“I know what you’re doing!” she says. “You’re curious about the meat content and hormonal balance of other dogs that have urinated on that hydrant!”

The dog looks up at Jane. It cocks one ear.

“Carry on,” Jane says, suavely. “Carry on.”

The dog pants. Then it shakes itself and runs away.

There’s a bird sitting on a telephone pole. There are people all around her, bustling along.

Jane sits down on the steps of a building. “It’s like living in a picture book,” she says.

“TEETH!” shouts the crooked woman. It’s a distant, echoing sound. It’s very far away.

Jane hops to her feet. “I didn’t forget!” she says. “It’s just such a nice day.”

“AND SOME TOOTHPASTE,” the crooked woman shouts. She sounds mollified.

Everyone around Jane seems a bit disturbed. They hurry on, just a bit faster. They’re not used to hearing a woman shout, not so clearly, not from so very far away. But after a little bit, they relax. Things are okay again.

Jane strolls down the street towards the tooth store. Then she stops. She goes very still. She can hear something breathing.

She scans the street. She looks up and down. Then, deliberately, carefully, and slowly, she finds a random store—this one’s a small feminist bookstore named “Hippolyta”—and walks in.

“Well, hi,” says Shelley, looking up from behind the counter. She smiles at Jane. “Aren’t you a bit young to be out wandering alone?”

Jane closes the door carefully behind her. She looks around. Then she walks up to the counter. She looks up at Shelley.

“This town is like being in a picture book,” she says.

Shelley nods. “It’s very pretty.”

“But,” Jane says, “if you look outside the pages, there are ragged things.”

Shelley tilts her head to one side. “Ragged things?”

“You know,” Jane says. Then she holds up a finger. It’s a ’shh!’ motion. Shelley is, obediently and condescendingly, quiet. There’s something outside. It walks by. Its footfalls are heavy. After a moment, Jane lowers her finger. She listens. “It’s all right now.”

“Are you hiding from your parents?” Shelley asks.

Jane sighs. It’s a long-suffering sigh. “I’m just out shopping for my guardian,” she says. “I’m buying her some new teeth. From the tooth store.”

“Oh!” Shelley says. She thinks. “That’s right, I’ve seen it a few blocks down. I’ve never gone in. I don’t really need teeth for much.”

“They’re good for recipes,” Jane says. “And for gnawing on things that you don’t want to taste. Like, stuff that’s been dead too long, or skunks.”

Shelley ponders. “I’ve heard that some people actually eat skunks,” she says. “I mean, after removing the musk gland.”

Jane thinks about that. “I guess that would work,” she agrees.

“So,” Shelley says, obdurately, “from whom are you hiding?”

Jane waves one hand about. From her expression, it looks as if the gesture helps her find words.

“Nobody ever suffers here,” Jane says. “Right?”

Shelley nods. “It’s not supposed to happen. Not in the big world. Nobody ever suffers here.”

“But sometimes,” Jane says, “there are mistakes.”

Shelley makes a wry face. “Yeah.”

“Do you know what that means?”

Shelley thinks. “I’ve never seen it,” she says. “But sometimes, I’ve seen weak places. Places where the big world wasn’t very whole. Places where there’s something ragged in the air, something raw, something hurt.” She gestures to the shelves. “Most of the books are about little worlds,” she says. “Or about happiness. But a few of them talk about the raw places. I don’t know what causes them, though.”

“Ragged things,” Jane says.

“Oh.”

Shelley has an odd look on her face. It’s a little bit patronizing and a little bit uncomfortable. It’s like the look the man had, back at the street light.

“They live outside the storybook world,” Jane says. “They’re not supposed to come in. But sometimes, there are mistakes. They come in. And they pull someone away. They’re heavy. You can hear them walking. And they breathe funny. I can hear it from a long way away.”

“Oh.”

Jane looks outside through the plastic door. “And in the wrong places,” she says, “they can just come in. Any time they want. It doesn’t take a mistake. They can just come in.”

Jane opens the door. She looks up the street. She looks down the street. “Thank you,” she says.

“Have a good day,” Shelley says. “Come again.”

Jane slips out. She walks down the street.

There’s a conjunction of shadows in the alley off to the left. Jane looks at it carefully. She’s not sure if it’s a wrong place.

She hurries towards the tooth store.

There’s a brick building to her left. A gargoyle scowls down from its roof. It’s a bad design choice. Jane’s not sure if it’s a wrong place.

She hurries towards the tooth store.

The sun is high overhead. It’s baking the trash cans on the street. It’s making the sidewalk hot. Jane looks carefully at a crack in the sidewalk. Then she shakes her head and moves on.

She’s not even looking when it happens.

A man is walking down the street. He steps on the crack. There’s an eddying and an oozing. There’s a stomping and a breathing. There’s a ragged thing. It clutches him in its hands. It takes him away. Jane doesn’t move. She doesn’t turn. It takes her a long five second count before she even dares twitch her head a little to the left, and look as far as she can with the corner of her eye, to make sure that the ragged thing is gone. Then she runs.

The tooth store has a big plastic tooth above the door. Jane stops in its shadow. She gathers her composure. Then opens the door and walks in. There’s a chime. There’s a gap-toothed old woman behind the counter who grins at Jane.

“Why,” she says, “it’s my best customer!”

Jane looks sulky. “I don’t get that many teeth,” she says.

The old woman giggles. “But you brighten my day,” she says, “so that makes you a better customer than old Mr. Fogle.”

“Oh!” Jane says. She beams. “That’s all right, then.”

The old woman comes out from around the counter. She pokes Jane’s teeth. “Yours doing okay?”

“Very well,” Jane says. “Thank you, ma’am.”

The old woman taps her head, thinking. “Can you make the noise?”

Jane rolls her eyes. Then she smiles. Ting!

“Pretty good,” the old woman says. “Pretty good. But you still need practice.”

“Ha!” Jane says. “I’ll go against you any day!”

The old woman grimaces and bares her teeth. TING!

There’s a silence.

“Okay,” Jane admits, “I can’t top that.” She thinks. “I guess twenty teeth should do me?”

“They’re cheaper in packs of twenty-four,” the old woman says.

“Okay,” Jane says. “Twenty-four, then.”

The old woman goes back behind the counter. She begins counting out teeth. “One, two, three, four, five . . .”

“Ma’am,” Jane says, “where do the ragged things come from?”

The old woman looks at Jane.

“I know you know,” Jane says. “You’re magic.”

The old woman looks wry. She counts out the sixth and seventh teeth, silently. “They go to special schools,” she says.

“Oh?”

Eight, nine, ten, eleven. “They teach them how to be ragged things,” the old woman says. “And how to go outside the big world.”

“Oh.”

Twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.

“So they learn,” the old woman says.

Sixteen.

“And they go outside.”

Seventeen. Eighteen.

“And they lurk outside the pages of our picturebook world.”

Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty-one.

“And when they think it’s a good idea,” the old woman says.

Twenty-two.

“Snatch!”

Twenty-three. Twenty-four.

“They have snatchy claws,” the old woman says, in explanation. She pushes twenty-four teeth across the counter. “That’ll be fourteen dollars and seventeen cents.”

Jane counts out the money. She puts it on the counter. The old woman takes it.

“Do they all need special schools?” Jane asks.

“Nope,” the old woman says. “Some people turn into ragged things on their own. And some are just born that way.”

“Oh,” Jane says. She pockets the teeth. “I have a pocket full of teeth,” she says.

“It can even happen if you forget to brush,” the old woman notes. “It’s just one more reason for good dental hygiene!”

“Wow,” says Jane, in a soft tone of awe. “That’s thirty-eight.”

It’s a Wonderful Murder

Thursday, August 19th, 2004

Cain sulks in his Caincave.

“Why was I born,” he says, “into a world full of sorrow?”

Clarence attempts to console him. “So much would be different,” he says, “if you’d never been born. There wouldn’t be any leavened bread. Angels would speak Japanese. Great white sharks would be captured, belled, and released. People would generally be a lot less apologetic about murder. It would be madness.”

“Ha,” Cain says. “I’d like to see that.”

The next day, the angel Clarence shows him.

Interjection

Frogs rain down. Newts rain up. But only axlotl rain sideways. That’s their special gift, given only to them and to nobody else.

The greatest shark ever captured was Menace, a horror weighing more than thirty thousand pounds. He slew more than twenty ichthyologists during his capture, but it is the character of scientists to forgive; so he was belled and released, never to trouble the beaches of humanity again. At times, he tried, but the ringing of his bell drove the swimmers out of the water before he could taste of their flesh. He found himself forced to subsist on fish, and so he swam deeper and deeper into the ocean, growing great on grouper and halibut, and ever as he swam came the tolling of his bell.

Today, Menace is a great bulk that one might easily confuse for Atlantis. He sits in the deep, tolling, tolling, ringing, and chiming, like a great angel-winging machine. That’s the problem, after all. He’s giving wings to too many angels. They’re breeding as fast as they can, which is arguably “not at all,” but they’re still running out of the wingless kind.

It’s not just because Cain was never born. This problem has been looming for centuries—ever since a meddling gang of theologians and their talking dog discovered that angels exist in finite numbers. A finite number of angels means a finite number of wings. A finite number of wings means a finite number of rings. Sooner or later, despite the best efforts of the Unringers that dwell under Northumber Abbey, they’re going to run out.

Dramatic Reenactment

“Jinkies!” declares Thomas Aquinas. “What’ll the angels do when they’ve all got wings and bells are still ringing? It’s a mystery!”

“A rifftery!” agrees their talking dog. “Uh-huh!”

“Surely,” argues Teilhard, “that occasion will mark the completion of the world’s evolution towards God.”

“Revolution towards rod!”

“Rod is dead,” snarls Scrappy Nietzsche. Standing on two legs, he punches at the air. Without the art of leavening, humanity cannot make Scrappy Snacks, and the younger dog has grown up cold, hard, and philosophical.

Some have hypothesized that, once all the angels are winged, ringing will convert directly into luxury goods—every time a bell rings, an angel will get a Lamborghini. Others have theorized that this occasion will mark the Singularity, when the terrible chiming of bells will fill the air above Earth and humans will grow wings as one. But the angel Clarence knows the truth. Every time a bell rings, in this terrible alternate reality, an angel will get their gills.

It begins.

The endless ringing of Menace’s bell begins to draw them there, gilled angels in groups of one or two. They bring presents before him—grace, and wishes, and power.

Then one bleeds.

Flashback

“Why was I born into a world full of sorrow?” Menace asks Monstro.

A swift school of carp dart by.

“It is not sorrow,” Monstro says. He breathes the deeps. A puppetmaker, somewhere inside him, screams. “It is simply existence.”

“But is there not good and evil?” asks Menace. “Are we not creatures that should strive for something higher than the savage ocean of Hobbesfish’s anarchy?”

“Good is a beam of tachyons,” Monstro says, meditatively. “To create pure evil, reverse its polarity. To create pure good, revert it to base values. Yet a society bombarded by tachyons cannot survive. Remember this, Menace: the fish of mind must make his own path. Were you not born, the world would still be every bit as cruel.”

“I am sorry,” says Menace, sincerely, to the angels. “But I am entering the blood frenzy now.”

“Hai, wakarimasu,” Clarence says.

“Wow,” realizes Cain. “It really was a wonderful murder, after all.”

The Chorus of Definition (1 of 1)

Tuesday, August 31st, 2004

The chorus of definition provides a fixed point in the chaos.

There is an endless sea between the Gibbelins’ Tower and the land, and crossing it there is a bridge. It creaks under Sebastien’s feet, and under the monster’s, as they walk. It is made of wood, and the railing is rope.

The silence between them is palpable but not eternal.

“I think that if you were not a monster, that you would be a physics teacher,” Sebastien says.

“Pardon?”

“It seems like you want people to be objects,” Sebastien says. “Inanimate and insensate processes of life. So I think that somewhere, you must love how objects work. If you were sane, then you would want to show others how cool objects are, and make that passion serve people rather than destroy them.”

“Ah.” The monster snorts.

Sebastien shrugs. “One knows certain things,” he says, “regarding one’s gods.”

As they walk, a star falls past. It strikes the water near them. There is a flare of light. Hot spray burns them both. They can hear a mewling. Sebastien stands at the edge of the bridge and looks down into the water.

“It’s a cynosure,” Sebastien says.

The monster follows. He looks down. There’s a thin and pale thing, covered in a sheen of ichor, splashing weakly in the water below.

“How useless,” answers the monster.

“Once upon a time,” Sebastien says. “Liars were honored. Did you know that? People wanted lies that would give them power and happiness at the minimum cost to the integrity of their lives.”

The monster frowns. His right hand brushes against his left-hand ring. Sebastien wavers, and his knuckles, gripping the rail, go white.

“Hm?” Sebastien asks, after a moment.

“Your description prioritizes an objective truth,” the monster says. “But we live, ultimately, in subjective worlds.”

“It’s just historical narrative,” Sebastien says.

“Ah.”

“See, cynosures like that one—they’re the children of those liars. They can’t tell the kinds of lies that make everything better. They just . . . give you a fixed point. Something to look at. A lie to hold up when everything else is chaos.”

“We call them the chorus of definition,” the monster says. “When we make them. They seem most valuable in bulk. And when they are not drowning.”

“Drowning is generally a bad trait in gods.”

The cynosure looks up at them. She whispers, “Help me.”

“I can’t,” Sebastien says. “The best I can do is ask you your name, and regret your passing.”

“I shone down on a girl,” the cynosure says, “and said that everything would be okay. But then it wasn’t. And I fell.”

“That’s a good name,” Sebastien agrees. “I’m sorry you’re drowning.”

“Come on,” the monster says. “We’re wasting time.”

It is the April of 2004.

“What did Martin say to you?” Sebastien asks.

“A handful of dust fell from his hand,” the monster answers. “‘This is a season of metal,’ he said.”

“Ah.”

The monster looks hollow and his eyes are tired.

“He suggested that I join the winning side.”

Evil Chair: “Perspective”

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

Jaime doesn’t know what to do.

“I don’t know what to do!” he exclaims.

So he stands up. He goes to his porch. His porch extends out over the ocean. He takes out a giant saw and cuts his porch off from his house. He and his porch drift out to sea.

“La la la,” he says.

But in the end, as he always does, he finds himself at the Island of Evil Chair.

This is the island of Evil Chair!
If you like the furniture you see here
You can buy it at Tortoise Market Square!

Maude the Modular Bookshelves walks along the shore. She sings her song to herself:

Here are the Modular Bookshelves
Don’t need assembly
She does that herself
She’s independent, wild, and free—

She stops short. “Oh my,” she says. “It’s Jaime! He’s washed up on the beach again!”

Jaime flops on the beach. He is laying on his back. He burbles. Water burbles out of his mouth.

“Are you all right?” she asks him.

Jaime sits up. He processes the situation. “I’ll be fine,” he says. “I just can’t seem to get away from the Island of Evil Chair. But why are you wandering alone, Maude?”

“Because I’m made with uncompromising Swiss quality,” she says.

He looks at her. She deflates a little.

“And I had a fight with Colt. So I’m walking on the beach and ignoring him, and he’s hiding behind those rocks sulking.”

Jaime stands up. He looks behind the rocks. He sees Colt the Coat Rack. Colt is sulking.

“I see,” Jaime says. “What did you fight about?”

“I thought that Colt went better by the entryway,” says Maude. “But he thought that I should be in the entryway. Boys,” she mutters.

Jaime laughs.

“What?” Maude says.

“Colt,” Jaime says. “Come here.”

Colt shuffles embarrassedly out from around the rocks. “I was sulking,” he says, sulkily.

Jaime raises an eyebrow.

“And meditating on my polished mahogany sheen,” Colt adds. “I mean, there was that too.”

“So,” Jaime says, “did either of you ever try thinking about things from the other person’s perspective?”

Maude squinches two shelves closer together suspiciously. “That sounds like a fool’s game.”

“Well,” Jaime asks her, “why do you think Colt wanted you in the entryway?”

Maude shakes her head. “No idea!”

“Why don’t you try pretending to be him by singing the Colt song?”

Maude hesitates. Then she tries it:

Here is one of our fine coat racks,
Twenty bucks and we’ll pay the tax
You can hang your hat
Or you can hang a coat
You can hang your bag or you can hang your tote!

She thinks about it. “Well,” she says, “I guess that most people who come to the island want to take off their coats and hang them immediately.”

“Right,” Jaime says.

“But!” says Maude. “Most people who come to the island wash up on the shore, not by the door!”

“Right!” Jaime says. He takes off his dripping, waterlogged coat. He hangs it on Colt.

“Now I can’t see,” Colt says.

“Try imagining,” Jaime says. “Can you imagine things from Maude’s perspective?”

Even as Colt starts to sing:

Here are the Modular Bookshelves—

there is activity elsewhere on the island. On a high cliff overlooking the beach, Evil Chair laughs as thunder booms!

“Ahaha!” laughs Evil Chair. “Jaime has returned. And he is teaching the foolish furniture the benefits of perspective!”

“That’s right,” Jaime calls up the cliff.

“That,” shouts Evil Chair, “shall be your . . . final! . . . mistake!”

He begins to sing the Evil Chair song.

Here is the evil chair.
He’s bad feng shui.
He shouldn’t be there!
He’ll mess up your luck,
One two three,
So throw him off the cliff
Immediately!

Colt says, hesitantly, “I still can’t see, but now I realize that Maude shouldn’t be in the entryway. There are no books there.”

“That’s right!” Jaime says.

Evil Chair shouts down, “Good happy feng shui furniture of the Island of Evil Chair! You’ve misjudged me!”

“Ha!” shouts Maude. “We’re still on to your tricks from the last time Jaime washed up here!”

“You think you’re on to my tricks?” asks Evil Chair. “How can you know—when you haven’t seen things from . . . my perspective?”

Jaime looks thunderstruck. Colt bumps into the cliff. Maude frowns as bitterly as a set of modular bookshelves can frown.

“We could try it,” says Maude, reluctantly. “It’s good to see things from others’ perspective.”

“Yes!” cackles Evil Chair. “Yes! My perspective is as valid as your own!” He sings, evilly:

This is the song of Evil Chair—

Maude and Colt sing along:

Bad decor should be everywhere

Evil Chair sings:

Your eye for taste
Tells you to run
But Evil Chair Decor says, “This room is fun!”
This is the song of Evil Chair!

Maude and Colt sing:

Bad decor should be everywhere!

Maude turns desperately to Jaime. “It’s insidious!” she says. “How can we tell bad feng shui from good feng shui when fairness requires that we treat all design ideas equally?”

But Jaime is climbing the cliff. He is grimly determined. Evil Chair knocks over a water glass so that, for a moment, it looks as if Jaime is climbing through a fierce rain.

“Evil Chair!” Jaime says, reaching the summit. “You are a false prophet.”

“I’m not ergonomic,” cries Evil Chair, “but maybe I shouldn’t be!”

“Moral relativism isn’t a weapon,” Jaime says, grimly. “It’s not for fueling proselytism. It’s a tool people should use on their own to limit their arrogance!”

Tip of the Day: Don’t let people tell you that you shouldn’t judge whether they’re right or wrong. Let them build a case for being right instead.

Your being a humble person is your job, not theirs!
Try it and see!

“It’s that time again,” Jaime says.

“Oh, no!” cries Evil Chair.

Jaime picks up Evil Chair. He grunts. He strains. Then he throws Evil Chair off the cliff. Evil Chair rolls across the beach and into the sea.

“I’ll be back!” cries Evil Chair. “You and I, Jaime! Locked in combat! We will always be drawn back to . . . THE ISLAND OF EVIL CHAIR!”

This was the island of Evil Chair!
If you liked the furniture you saw here
You can buy it at Tortoise Market Square!

5050 Swan Lake Drive, in Kenmore.