A Story
Friday, November 28th, 2003Once upon a time, there was a story that didn’t finish
Once upon a time, there was a story that didn’t finish
It’s all about the Riding Hood. The blood-capped girl-spirit of the forest.
She used to be an ordinary girl.
She snapped when she found her grandmother dead.
She hauled that woman down to the river of the world and from water and blood she made her hood.
She swayed and chanted and she spoke the words
And her grandmother’s eyes popped open.
“What big eyes you have!” she told that corpse. And with them that ancient could see the world.
“What big teeth you have!” she told that corpse, and filled its flesh with hunger.
“Such love you have for your little girl!”
Right there that’s where things left the script. That’s not what you’re supposed to say when you raise a monster; so instead Red’s magic raised a wolf.
“I’ll huff, and puff, and I’ll guard your kind.”
That’s what her grandmother said.
And she sprang off—a beast in a grandmother’s cap—to hunt the creatures that might hurt young girls.
And that’s why a girl can walk in the woods.
And that’s why a girl can go out alone.
Because the world is scary and the world is dark but a girl can always turn her cap and cry to the darkness and call the wolf:
“Red Hood! Red Hood! Blood calls to blood!
Send the beast
In your grandmother’s cap
To the aid of this young brownie.”
They teach you this in the Girl Scouts, you know, while the boys learn chopping wood.
JANE
1. See Jane! Jane is an ending.
2. Stars are falling in her ending eyes.
3. Smile, Jane, smile!
4. See Jane smile.
5. All things end in blood.
While waiting for dinner, Jane and Bob made a world out of firewood. It was five hundred miles wide and ten miles deep. It had lots of firewood animals and firewood cities and firewood people.
“Jane! Bob!” said their mother. “Look what you’ve done! How are we going to burn our firewood now?”
“But Mom!” said Jane. “We were bored!”
“You are very bad little children,” said their Mom, and sent them to bed without supper.
Jane and Bob were very angry. So they snuck out to the world they had made and became monsters. Each had seven hundred teeth and five hundred claws! They also had LAW rockets.
That’s why firewood is so afraid of people. It’s not because you might burn it. It’s because you might turn out to be Jane or Bob!
Silly firewood. Jane and Bob aren’t real! They’re just a story somebody made up.
1 whose story does not interest.
The snowflake kingdom is high on the cloud. Prince Adric lives there. He doesn’t like Prince Leopold. PUSH!
Prince Leopold goes over the edge. Flutter flutter flutter down to the earth below.
King Gordon lives on the cloud. King Gordon is sleeping with Laurel, Melinda, and Amanda. They catch him at it. It’s not too hard once they take off the blindfolds. PUSH!
King Gordon goes over the edge. Flutter flutter flutter down to the earth below.
It’s their tragic destiny. It’s nature’s calamity! They have to have infighting so that we can have snow.
“Oh, Romeo,” says Juliet, who is a snowflake from a great snowflake family, “wherefore art thou Romeo?”
Romeo gives her a chilly glare. He can’t help it. He’s a snowflake. He also makes pointed remarks. It’s just part of the package.
“Look, babe. I’m just how I gotta be.”
“Well, I’m killing myself, then!” JUMP!
Juliet goes over the edge. Flutter flutter flutter down to the earth below.
“Woe is me! Nobody loves Snowflake Romeo!” JUMP!
Romeo goes over the edge. Flutter flutter flutter down to the earth below.
In the spring, it will be warmer, and the rain will fall like the blood of God, speared through the heart by a lance of sunlight, falling forever through the sky, soft as a cloud. Because that’s what it is.
In the autumn, leaves will scurry from the trees to carry out their offensive against the governments of mankind. They’re orange and red. Those are the colors of their revolution.
In the winter, King Gordon XVIII will stand before the assembled snowflakes. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he will say, and everyone will look utterly blank.
Gordon will blush. He cribbed his speech from late night television. Bad Gordon XVIII!
“Variously sexed frozen particles of water!”
Wild cheering.
“Tonight, we launch our invasion plan of the earth below.”
He gestures widely at the snow mortars; at the snow tanks; at the snow bombs, each carrying more than a teraton of explosive power, if only snowflakes had nuclear technology, which admittedly they do not. “We shall sweep them away in our wrath. We will bury them!” JUMP!
Gordon falls.
JUMP!
Many subjects fall.
The sergeants scowl at the others. PUSH!
The remaining subjects fall. Flutter flutter flutter down to the earth below.
“Oh no!” cried King Gordon XVIII. “We forgot our military armament. Can anyone flutter upwards?”
King Gordon XVIII hits the windshield of someone who doesn’t know how to drive in the snow. Splat.
This is everybody’s world.
RICK 1
1. See Rick.
2. Rick is reckless.
3. Rick tests his nuclear weapons on Earth.
4. Test, Rick, test!
RICK 2
1. People live on Earth.
2. Rick tests his nuclear weapons on Earth.
3. People get irradiated.
4. Mutate, people, mutate!
5. Now you can shoot strange rays out of your head.
MEREDITH 1
1. “I could do that already!” exclaims Meredith. “Mutating me was redundant!”
2. Shut up, Meredith.
3. No one wants to hear about your stupid superpowers.
RICK 3
1. Ducks live on Earth.
2. Rick tests his nuclear weapons on Earth.
3. Ducks blow up.
4. “Quack!” BOOM!
5. “Quack!” BOOM!
6. “Quaaack!”
DIANA 1
1. “Rick’s tests went poorly,” says Diana.
2. “Now people are irradiated mutants.”
3. “Also, the poor ducks!”
4. “I will test MY nuclear weapons in space.”
GOD 1
1. God lives in Heaven.
2. Heaven is in space.
3. God is out golfing.
4. The Voyager space probe hits him on the head, disrupting his shot.
5. God doesn’t complain. He’s a good sport! He just accepts his first birdie ever.
6. We could all learn a lesson from God.
GOD 2
1. God lives in space.
2. Diana tests her nuclear weapons in space.
3. Oops.
RAIN 1
1. God falls to Earth in little bits and pieces.
2. God gets into everything.
3. God was already in everything, but that’s different.
RAIN 2
1. People start picking up the little pieces of God.
2. “Now I’m righteous!” people say. “Look! I’ve got a pocketful of God!”
3. Everyone oohs and aahs. Then
4. SNATCH! They steal the God.
5. People are like that!
RICK 4
1. “God supports my testing nuclear weapons on Earth,” says Rick.
2. “See?” He points to his little piece of God.
3. It squirms uncomfortably. It wants to disagree, but Rick has it trapped!
4. If God argues, Rick will poke Him with a stick. That’s Rick’s way!
5. God used to argue with Rick, but soon He got very sore.
DIANA 2
1. “God supports my testing nuclear weapons in SPACE,” asserts Diana.
2. “See? I’ve got a piece of God too!”
3. If God argues, Diana won’t feed it! She’s not very nice to God either.
GOD 3
1. “If I were only in one piece again,” says God, “I’d sort out what for!”
2. You tell ‘em, God!
3. Rick pokes God with a stick.
4. Diana sticks her tongue out at God.
5. God sulks.
DIANA 3
1. SNATCH! Diana tries to steal Rick’s God.
2. “Silly Diana!” says Rick. “That’s not the way to be righteous!”
THE RIGHTEOUSNESS GAME
1. People keep their pieces of God very safe. You can’t just snatch them whenever!
2. You have to wait until immediately after someone says, “God supports me in this.”
3. They don’t have to use those words, but it’s what they have to mean!
4. People can’t say stuff like that unless they’ve got a piece of God. And saying that is like taking it out and showing it to you.
5. That’s your opportunity! That’s when you can grab it!
6. But do it quickly. You won’t have very long!
7. If you can grab everyone else’s righteousness before someone grabs your own, you’ve won!
8. You’ll have ALL the God!
9. That’s the righteousness game.
“Modern morality is too confusing,” declare the Yama Kings. “Henceforth, we will dispose of souls based on the results of a universe-wide poll. It’s very simple. If you know someone who dies, vote! Tell us whether they deserve a blissful afterlife or ten generations of torments. Call 1-999-YAM-KING for more information.”
Jane’s listening to the radio. She hears the pronouncement of the Yama Kings. “It’s so wonderful,” she cries. “I know people will use their vote responsibly!”
“Jane,” sighs her brother Martin. “Why are you listening to the radio without your cynicism goggles?”
Jane blushes brightly. She forgot to put them on! That explains her unrealistically innocent attitude. She quickly slips them onto her face. “Oh, my,” she says. “Oh. That’s bad.”
Martin nods wearily. He never takes his goggles off. Not even for winking! He’s a dedicated cynic.
“We’ll have to go to all the people in the universe,” Jane decides, “and get them to agree always to vote for bliss. That’s the only righteous course!”
“I’ll get my thumbscrews!” says Martin.
Jane looks at him.
“What?”
Jane looks at him some more.
“Look,” says Martin. “You have your methods. I have mine.”
“Okay!” says Jane brightly. She can’t stay mad at Martin long. “But I get to try mine first.”
They race out of the house to visit everyone in the universe.
“Why should I vote everyone bliss?” asks Mrs. Chernov. “I’d rather use my vote to assign torments with discretion! I’ll be an elegant and respectable arbiter of human destiny—harsh, but judicious! That will earn my neighbors’ respect and discharge my sacred responsibility.”
Jane looks at her.
“What?”
Jane looks at her some more. Jane’s lower lip trembles. Her goggles mist with tears.
“Fine,” says Mrs. Chernov. “I’ll do it. But only to make you happy!”
Jane beams and runs off.
“Why should I vote everyone bliss?” says Amanda. “I hate Mr. Pib. When he dies, I’ll send him right to the Avici Hell!”
Jane frowns. Why is Amanda being so stubborn? Suddenly, she understands!
“Amanda,” sighs Jane. “Why are you deciding important moral matters without your cynicism goggles?”
Amanda is confused. “Cynicism goggles? What are those?”
Jane blinks. “I thought everyone knew about cynicism goggles! You make them from ordinary goggles, but you glue lots of little bits of green and brown construction paper to the lenses. Then you can see the world with cynicism!”
Amanda tries this. She sits down with Jane and makes a pair of cynicism goggles. Then she puts them on. “Geez,” she says. “Revenge really does just contribute to a pointless cycle of violence, doesn’t it?”
“It’s true,” Jane says, nodding.
Amanda lifts the goggles. “But it’d be so satisfying!”
She lowers them again. Cynical Amanda adds, “And ultimately pointless.”
Amanda lifts them again. “But that’s not true! Bad people deserve punishment!”
She lowers them again. Cynical Amanda shrugs. “You can believe what you want.”
Amanda lifts the goggles again. “Wow! I love being able to toggle my cynicism on and off. But which worldview is right?”
“It’s petty and self-indulgent to imagine an absolute morality,” says Martin. “Of course, defaulting to kindness in that scenario is just Jane’s crazy idea—I’d rather torture the lot. That’s valid too!” He winks, but Amanda can’t see it. There’s too much construction paper in the way!
“I’ll do it,” Amanda decides. “Mr. Pib won’t like his bliss much, anyway, once he realizes I get it too.”
Martin smiles dreamily. He’s remembering Mr. Pib. That was a fun conversation for Martin. Jane’s methods didn’t work! Events took their course. Sometimes Martin’s inevitable. He thinks that’s a darn fine thing.
“We’re going to go visit the rest of the people in the universe now,” says Jane. “Try not to die before we’re done!”
“You could just hack the voting machines,” Amanda notes.
“Good little girls and boys don’t hack voting machines,” says Jane. “We use a cheery attitude and thumbscrews! It’s like two great tastes that taste great together!”
Amanda just nods. It’s hard to argue with logic like that.
1 presupposes familiarity with Pokémon.
Gautama meditates in the tall grass.
Jane runs up.
Gautama smiles. “Jane,” he says, “I meditate in pursuit of enlightenment, so that I can free all sentient beings from desire and suffering.”
Jane thinks on Gautama’s words. “Cool!” She throws a red and white ball at him. It opens and sucks him in. The ball wiggles, then subsides. Success! Jane has captured Gautama.
Jane beams. “I knew I’d find a good use for my ENLIGHTENMENT BALL.”
Jane runs through the grass. She can see Martin up ahead. He’s blocking the only path past the bo tree.
Martin sees Jane. “!”
Martin runs up to Jane. “Let’s battle!”
“Gautama,” cries Jane. “I choose you!”
Martin thinks. “I’ll choose Mara!”
Martin throws his DESIRE BALL. It unleashes Mara, the demon of the illusions of material existence.
First round!
Gautama assumes LOTUS STANCE under the bo tree.
Mara uses his special VOLUPTUOUS WOMEN move.
“These women are very bountiful,” agrees Gautama. “But the pleasures of the flesh do not last. Succumbing to this temptation would bring me immediate happiness. Over the years, though, sickness, old age, and death would take their toll. I would come to regret my indulgence.”
Gautama takes ten points of damage. The women weren’t a temptation. They were an attack! Mara’s tricky that way.
Second round!
Gautama uses LOTUS STANCE.
Mara PAUSES.
Martin frowns at Jane. “You shouldn’t use the same move over and over!”
“It increases his defense against the torments of existence,” explains Jane. “That makes him a tragically powerful battler!”
“Oh,” said Martin, thinking. “That’s a good strategy, then. I’ll have to damage him fast!”
Mara uses his FLAMING ROCKS move.
A fiery torrent descends on Gautama!
“These rocks are very much on fire,” agrees Gautama. “But the pleasures of the flesh do not last. Succumbing to this temptation would bring me immediate happiness. Over the years, though, sickness, old age, and death would take their toll. I would come to regret my indulgence.”
“They’re FLAMING ROCKS,” says Mara blankly.
“Oh,” says Gautama. “They’re not a temptation?”
“A temptation to do what?”
“I’d collect them,” says Gautama, dreamily. “And dress them up in cute flame-retardant outfits. Then I’d sell them on eBay.” He shivers. Oh! Such sweet temptation. But the flaming rocks turn into blossom petals when they reach Gautama. That’s how powerful his dedication to help all people is!
Gautama takes five points of damage. Jane looks worried. He doesn’t have many left!
Third round!
Gautama uses LOTUS STANCE.
Mara uses MORAL CHALLENGE.
“You don’t have the right to seek enlightenment,” Mara cries. “You’re a washed-up bald monk who lives in a ball! Who are you to seek the freedom of all people from suffering and desire?”
Gautama touches the earth with one finger. The earth shouts, “He’s a washed-up bald monk who lives in an ENLIGHTENMENT BALL.”
Mara could not argue with that.
Fourth round!
Gautama uses ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT.
The battle ends.
There’s no more Mara. There’s no more Gautama! There’s only Ninja Tathagata.
“I win!” cries Jane.
“Hey!” says Martin. “He didn’t survive enlightenment! He extinguished his ego and now he exists as a compassionate impulse in the void of nirvana! I think that should be a draw.”
“Oh, Martin!” laughs Jane. “You can’t blame a Buddha for achieving nonexistence! That’s like dumping glue on a log.”
1 a legend of Santa.
Santa Claus wakes up. It’s the Tuesday after Christmas, so he dresses in black. He goes to the shore of stars. He calls for his boat. He sails south.
Pirates come, but he runs up the Santa flag. They don’t attack him. Pirates don’t board Santa’s ship. It’s a law of the sea.
The terrible shark comes. Each fin is as long as a man is tall. The beast could swallow a horse in one bite. It hungers. Santa faces it down. He meets its cold black gaze. It shakes itself, twice, and dives deep. It still plans to eat him. It’s not a very nice shark. But not this year. This year, it leaves him be. It’ll come again in 2004.
There’s the sea of angels. There’s the ocean of fire. There’s a place of strange waters glistening like black abalone shells. The waves shine with soft green light.
Santa reaches his destination. It’s just an ordinary hill. It’s not important in itself. It’s just the place he’s chosen.
He sets three dolls on the ground. One boy, one girl, and one for just in case. He doesn’t look at them. He’s looking far away.
“There are so many of you,” he says, “that I couldn’t reach. This year or any other.”
He touches the dolls upon their hearts. “Strength,” he says.
He touches the dolls upon upon their heads. “Hope,” he says.
He touches them upon their hands. “A future.”
Santa rises and walks away. Behind him, the wind starts up, as it always does. It carries his gifts away.
Jane walks past a bird. “Hi, bird!” she says.
Jane scans the bird. It has two wings. It is covered in feathers. It has two feet. It stands on its feet. It has a beak. It uses its beak for biting things. It can also sing.
“I’ve learned some important things about birds!” Jane says, and walks on.
Jane sees the sun. “Hi, sun!” she says.
Jane scans the sun. It’s very big, but also very far away. It’s made of fire. Four horses pull it around the sky. The horses are made of fire. They tried ice horses once, but they melted! It wasn’t the smartest idea. The horses wear sunglasses. That’s because of the glare. If you pulled the sun, you’d wear sunglasses too!
“I’ve learned some important things about the sun,” says Jane, “but that really seemed to be more about the horses. I find that disappointing and I will write a letter of complaint.”
Jane giggles. She’s not going to write a letter of complaint! She likes scanning things!
Jane walks by a siggort. “Hi, siggort!” she says.
Jane walks on. Then she blinks. “Wait!” she says. “I better scan the siggort!”
Jane scans the siggort. It has two wings. It is covered in feathers. Its stomach is roly-poly. It has two long legs. It has a wheel of knives. It’s innocently vivisecting passersby and leaving their corpses for investigators to discover. It has a long yellow beak. It uses its beak for smiling. It can also sing.
“I’ve learned some important things about siggorts!” Jane says. “I wonder if I should report it to Animal Control.”
Jane thinks hard. “No,” she decides. “It’s vivisecting people innocently. That must mean it’s okay. If it were a serious problem, then I would have scanned it as vivisecting people guiltily.”
Very good, Jane! It’s important to apply logic to the situations in our lives.
Jane passes a wogly. “Hi, wogly!”
The siggort incident wised Jane up! She doesn’t dilly-dally—she scans the wogly! Who knows what it’s up to now?
The wogly has pale blue skin and two winky eyes. It’s shaped like a torus. Woglies say “hiss!” Inside the wogly it’s empty. Integrity leaks out of the universe into the wogly. It’s not eating moral integrity—it’s eating the integrity things have that make them the way they are. It’s a serious problem, but someone else will deal with it.
“Wow!” Jane says. “I think that’s the first time I’ve learned about woglies!” She takes a piece of paper out of her pocket and writes WOGLY on it. It’s important to keep track of the events in our lives! Then she folds the paper up and puts it away again.
“The wogly is scary,” she says, “but someone else will deal with it.” She walks on.
Jane passes Martin. “Hi, Martin!”
Jane walks on. Then she blinks. “Wait!” she says. “I better scan Martin!”
Martin has two legs and two arms. He also has a face. He is not Bob. He’s slouching against the wall. Jane should give him her My Little Tao doll.
“Hey!” says Jane. “You’re messing with my scanner!”
“It’s still a source of absolute universal truth, even if I can change what it says,” Martin points out.
Jane frowns. She can’t argue with that! “It’s rude to push people,” Jane says, “but you’re a special case.”
He is, you know. PUSH!