(Audience) The Rabbit is Red

Delicious Strawberry Qwik has no rival— not anywhere on the Earth!

Pirate captains who find Strawberry Qwik in ancient treasure chests are generally delighted.

“Yo ho ho,” they say, delightedly.

They like killing and rapine and drinking delicious Strawberry Qwik. These are the brutal tastes of savage men who hath never learned compassion.

The rabbit of Strawberry Qwik is red.

Sometimes they will see him hunting on the seas. He is considered a bad omen. The Qwik is delicious but the rabbit is fatal.

He can take on a shark.

He can take on the orca.

Only against the great squids is the rabbit hesitant to strive.

There was a pirate once who made a bargain with the Devil in exchange for a glass of delicious Strawberry Qwik.

His choice was not entirely indefensible because he was a Papist and if Jack Chick is to be trusted—

And who is there in the pirate world who does not trust Jack Chick?

— he was already in the Devil’s hands.

Yet when the glass was empty and he was in that space of Tomorrow Men who curse the choices of their Yesterday Selves, and groaning,

“Who was I then to sacrifice my future soul for a glass of Qwik so quickly gone?”

He fled.

The rabbit followed him. It’s not the Devil— that would make the chocolate Qwik bunny God, and as we all know that honor is reserved for Captain Crunch alone—

But it followed him.

Everywhere he fled on his peg leg and with his red Qwik moustache, he could find no sanctuary; and the people would say to him, “Are you the pirate who sold his soul for Qwik, now fleeing the terrible red rabbit?”

And he would say, “Arr.”

And grimly they would prophesy, “Hippity, hoppity, your fate is on its way.”

And so, looking hunted, he would run on.

On his path he passed some gay couples who were totally ordinary, because it’s blog against heteronormativity day. He just kind of fled past them, so you might be tempted to think, “Wow, they’re getting short shrift here.” However, before you do so, you should compare them to our lusty heterosexual pirate who is a murderer and a thief who has sold his soul in exchange for some strawberry Qwik and been forced to flee a small red rabbit across the moors. Frankly if he is the standard-bearer of heterosexual masculinity we would all be well-served to become lesbians.

Anyway, now that we have satisfied the requirements of blog against heteronormativity day and need no longer worry about sexuality, the fleeing pirate found his way to a monastery where an order of chaste and holy Christian monks took him in.

But the rabbit found him; and what happened then we do not know.

4 thoughts on “(Audience) The Rabbit is Red

  1. Out of Order

    What wheel-hatch
    Moves in the depths
    Opening to the underworld?
    A lower story
    Grips polished
    With patina of (who?)(when?)
    If it spun
    Counter clockwise
    Perhaps it would open

    First curtain

    The world as lightning-flash
    Each unbalanced step
    Frozen, or too slow
    Never to come down
    Cardboard cutouts
    Shifted by invisible winds
    So between the step
    And the step
    Ground changes, sprouts
    Rushes out of sight
    So the foot will come down
    It was solid after all
    Till the next flash
    And stutter-slow

    Second curtain

    The paper nest builds
    Each day, the journal written
    And the termites eat it
    Round and round
    Write, eat
    The pen makes termite spots
    The termites leave marks
    And trees just struggle through
    On the blessed day
    The termites will evolve
    A special caste of inkers
    To imprecate the ants
    And the writer
    Will eat the nestbook

    Third curtain

    Working through
    The pattern lasts
    A geologic age
    Maps with no one
    To read
    And then a flash
    Explorers radiating
    Out, and pause
    For the map to be
    Engraved in stone
    A pinwheel trap
    Click once, twice
    Then geology again

    Clockwise once more
    Close of the wheel-hatch
    Glimpses must wait
    For the next morning
    In normal time
    The day endures
    And whole

    — Rich Puchalsky 2006

  2. In a far land stands the shrine of the Buddha In Green.

    It’s a big tourist attraction. The fabulous architecture, the exquisite mosaics…and of course the stories of people who have caught the Buddha and gained the right to demand gold of him.

    Many visitors try to catch the Buddha in Green. None ever have. He only dances away, laughing, the vegetable sprig in his hat bouncing in the air.

    Most of the tourists leave, disappointed. A few remain to study the four noble truths of the Buddha’s teaching. These are:

    The truth of the pink heart, which is compassion for all beings.

    The truth of the yellow moon, which is change and transience.

    The truth of the orange star, which is oneness with the universe.

    The truth of the green clover, which is fortune and destiny.

    (Of the purple horseshoe, nothing is spoken. Nothing is known. No light is here emitted.)

    And for those who achieve true enlightenment, the Buddha comes. He sits before them, holding a bowl. The enlightened ones do not pursue him; they have lost their desire for gold — they know that only wisdom is magically delicious.

  3. Talisker sits on a bus feeling slightly self indulgent at using himself as the central character in a story. So he changes his nature and becomes Issac.

    Issac is on his way to work. He doesn’t like his job very much as he is a Deglamouriser. It is his job to find things that give people hope, that give people joy, that give people a smile and prove that they are an illusion. He is charged with removing all the magic from the world and leaving people with nothing but cold reality. To cheer himself up on the bus journey to work, he listens to a pirate radio station. Issac knows it is a pirate radio station because he listens to Captain Jack’s Show on Pirate FM (all Pirate, all the time!) And occasionally he wonders why Captain Jack’s Parrot is called Broderick. It is a cheerful show that talks of may things, many wonderful things, many enchanted things, and it makes him smile. The problem is that Pirate FM is in French and Issac doesn’t speak French. Not many people do since he disproved the benefits of foreign holidays. Now people just stay at home safe from sun tans, safe from tourist prices, safe from frolicking. Only diplomats, who have to be able to speak to each other, bother to learn French now.

    This morning they are talking about the Ours de la Mer and his glorious exploits, but Issac is distracted by the lingering taste of strawberry. Still the tales in a language he understands so little of, give him comfort and strength to face the day. On some level the words speak to Issac and stir his soul. And deep down, where no one will ever see, the stories give him enough wonder to believe in magic; even if it is only a little.

    But then there is static and a repeated message that Issac understands in any language. Pirate FM has been Deglamourised as Captain Jack once again takes to his heels to run from the rabbit. The bus pulls up to Issac’s station and he waits till it stops before jumping down to the pavement. As he walks down the street he mutters to himself, “I hate Mondays, but not as much as I hate my job.”

  4. Great Dunsaynian ending.

    If 10% of the chaste and holy monks are gay, does that fulful the requirements of b-a-hetronormativity day?

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