Dispatches from the Age of Iron

Destroy All Christmas

Round 1!

Godzilla stomps on Seattle. CRUNCH!

Christmas stomps on Seattle. CRUNCH!

Interlude: Exposition!

Christmas manifests itself here as a large Christmas tree. It has two floating gloves for hands. There’s a blazing star on top. It has blinky lights for eyes.

This is only one body of Christmas: the kaiju body. But if Godzilla can destroy the kaiju, then Christmas cannot manifest again until the stars are right—December 25, 2005!

Round 2!

Christmas charges Godzilla. Christmas steps on a power up. SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS!

Christmas breathes the SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS on Godzilla!

Godzilla blocks!

Christmas breathes the SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS on Godzilla!

Godzilla falls over.

Christmas picks Godzilla up. Christmas spins Godzilla around. Christmas jumps into the air. A giant spiky metal ball, wrapped in wrapping paper and with a steel-fanged mouth, bursts up from the ground. It roars, “BROTHERLY LOVE CHRISTMAS SPIKY BALL PRESENT!” Christmas smashes Godzilla down onto the spiky metal ball.

Interlude: Exposition!

Godzilla is a large radioactive lizard. He breathes radioactive fire and hits things. He is an aspect of Shiva who fell to Earth in prehistoric times and now mostly sleeps in the ocean.

This is only one aspect of Shiva. But if Christmas can defeat Godzilla, then Shiva cannot destroy Seattle until the stars are right—December 25, 2005!

Round 3!

Godzilal roars!

Godzilla hits Christmas with his tail! Christmas staggers!

UFOs blast Christmas from above!

Christmas falls!

But is Christmas defeated? Or will it rise to crush Godzilla?


You can help save Christmas! Hold on to Christmas in your heart. Declare: “I know you can win, Christmas-sama!”

Or you can help save Godzilla! Hold on to Godzilla in your heart. Declare: “The power of a giant lizard knows no bounds!”

It’s going to take every one of you to decide this legendary battle! GO!

17 thoughts on “Dispatches from the Age of Iron

  1. Do they have Bill O’Reilly in the Hitherbyverse?

    Anyway. The power of a giant lizard knows no bounds! Godzilla cannot be defeated by any mere jumped-up holiday masquerading as a kaiju! Go, Godzilla!

  2. Once a student had to bring Godzilla a Christmas present. Godzilla breathed fiery, radioactive breath at him. At that moment, the student was enlightened…but it didn’t do him much good, since a microsecond later he was an enlightened puff of vapor.

    I guess that’s probably a vote for the big lizard.

  3. The power of a giant lizard knows no bounds!

    especially not people who use -sama in an english sentance…

  4. The power of this fully operational giant lizard knows no bounds! They laughed at me at university, but I’ll show them — I’ll show them ALL!

  5. I’d like to vote for Godzilla, but then I couldn’t go back to school [unless “smoking crater where my school once was” is a valid subset of “school”“>. I don’t imagine there’s an option where Godzilla kills the Christmas-kaiju, yet collapses and impales himself on a shard of ornament?

  6. The power of a giant lizard knows no bounds! Especially since the giant lizard is this case only has one really annoying “Go, go godzilla” song that I hear very infrequently, while Christmas has very many really annoying songs that I am forced to hear every year.

  7. Personally, I’m voting for a UFO victory. Go, grey-skinned creatures who are inexplicably obsessed with bodily orifices! May your indomitable vision of galactic peace prevail!

  8. Godzilla is cold-blooded and can be slowed down by snow and rain. And Christmas is weakened ever so slightly by people saying “Bah, Humbug!” and other scroogey things, all unaware of the battle that rages above.

    I predict that Barbie will save us all.

  9. Pingback: Thias の blog » Blog Archive » Merry holidays and a happy new year

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