(Audience) Bitten Off More Than I Can Chew Day!

Fenrir tries to eat the world.

Uh oh! Fenrir’s eyes were bigger than his mouth. He’s only big enough to eat the moon!

Now Fenrir has too much on his plate.

“You know,” says Jormungandr, “there are starving giant animals in Andromeda.”

So Fenrir eats as much as he can. He doesn’t want the other apocalyptic beasts to think poorly of him!

The littlest anthropophage loved to play and run and dance. He also liked eating brains. He lived in the forest with all his forest friends.

One day Christian missionaries arrived.

The littlest anthropophage decided! This would be his day! He would eat the biggest, fattest missionary of all!

“Raar!” said the littlest anthropophage. He flung himself at the missionary’s leg. “Gnarm, urm, grarm!”

“What a silly primitive,” said the missionaries.

“Grarm?” said the littlest anthropophage. He was too little! He couldn’t even eat the outer layer of skin, called the epidermis, that protected the missionary from environmental dangers such as himself!

“One day,” said the biggest anthropophage, “you will grow tall and strong and you will be able to eat all the missionaries you want.”

Dracula stares in transfixed wonder at the soft flutter of Godzilla’s pulse.

The water is full of sharks.

Atlantis is rising; not just the great body of it, but the head, and the terrible tendrils, and the great gaping maw.

It is bleeding, just a tiny rip where Atlantis had adhered to the ocean bottom in its long years supine there. Behind the rip the sharks are savaging its tender meat.

And Susan watches in the water, her hand on her spear gun.

“Shoot it!” John says, into their radio.

“It won’t help!”

“Just look at it!” John cries, in agony. “It’s crying for a mustard sauce!”

Tonight’s entry needs more work than the tower crew thought—there’s too much to do before it’s in final form! It’s like everyone’s bitten off more than they can chew.

But surely the Qwik Club has similar stories?

10 thoughts on “(Audience) Bitten Off More Than I Can Chew Day!

  1. Meanwhile in Andromeda, Galactus, the Devourer of Worlds, begins to consume Alpheratz, the brightest star in that constellation.

    It is unclear whether Alpheratz is a section of chain binding Andromeda to a giant asteroid — where she awaits her doom at the jaws of Cetus the space monster — or simply a portion of her princessly backside. This bothers Andromeda greatly!

    “Oh where is Perseus with that Ultimate Nullifier!” she exclaims. But, in space, no one can hear you scream!

    Galactus swallows Alpheratz whole. Andromeda screams again, in vain. But wait! It appears that Alpheratz has become lodged in the Devourer’s throat!

    Silly Galactus! He forgot that Alpheratz is a magnitude 2.2 blue-white binary star. Even world devourers shouldn’t try to swallow two stars at once. He should have listened to his mother! Unfortunately for Galactus, Alpheratz’s close-orbiting stars can only be distinguished by careful spectral analysis. Galactus should be more careful next time!

    “It appears my eyes were bigger than my stomach,” the Devourer admits. It’s true! Galactus’ eyes have a combined volume of 3.27 square light years, while his stomach is a measly 2.63 — still, plenty of stomach to digest worlds.

    The Silver Surfer performs the Heimlich Maneuver!

    [The Qwik Club would like to thank Wikipedia for help with this story.”>

  2. Except that Galactus eats planets, not stars. (He doesn’t actually devour the planet whole, either, he just sort of extracts some sort of “life essence” from it.) Maybe you’re thinking of the Dark Phoenix?

  3. Luke jumps clumsily from rooftop to rooftop, chased by some ninja (plural).

    He is lucky that all the rooftops are the same height above ground, or he’d probably be in trouble!

    The way he travels is thus. He runs to the centre of a rooftop. When he reaches it, he makes a split decision as to which of the five directions he should go to get away from the ninja (plural). To help with this he uses a scientific calculator with the ability to follow scripted commands! When Luke presses the “Run” button, the calculator works out which of the five directions is most efficient based on the ninja (plural)’s position compared with Luke’s, as well as the objects in his way, and the speed everything in the system is travelling at.

    The calculator never tells him to go downwards, so he sticks to the rooftops!

    The ninja (plural) do not need such a device because their direction is dictated by Luke. However, they respect the scientific calculator for its ability to perform complex operations in complete silence.

    Unfortunately for Luke but fortunately for the ninja (plural), Luke has made a mistake. When programming the calculator, he assumed that the objects found on the rooftops, such as

    Air vents
    Rooftop stairwell entrances
    Satellite Dish arrays

    were normally distributed! Instead, they follow a Poisson distribution of rare events. This means that Luke runs forward when he should have turned left and skids on a ventilation grate. He falls off the building!

    The ninja (plural) follow, but they do not fall. They float, ninja-style.

    Luke lands in a vacant lot with a heavy ‘clank’ sound. The ninja (plural) are all around him now, invisible in the shadows. Death appears to be nigh. The grass goes “swish, swish” ominously. Luke holds his calculator tight and takes up an angry fighting stance. The fact that Luke does not know any mathematical martial arts does not help his situation!

    Luke waits.

    And waits a little bit longer.

    Then he gets out of his stance because he looks like a bit of a ninny.

    Finally, a ninja calls from the shadows in a very un-ninja like manner: “excuse me,” he calls.

    “Yes?” Luke asks.

    The ninja (singular) detaches himself from the shadows and steps forward into the light. He is dressed in the manner one associates with ninja (both singular and plural).

    He says, “Sorry to interrupt, but we couldn’t help but hear the ‘clank’ sound you made as you hit the ground. Just so we’re totally clear — you’re not a robot with insurpassable fighting prowess, are you?”

    “No,” replies Luke,

    “Oh that’s good,” replies the ninja (singular), rather jovially, as he sinks back into the shadows. “For a second there we were a little worried we’d bitten off more than we could–”

    “I’m two.” In an instant, Lu detaches from Ke and they strike, together, with calculated precision.

    The ninja (plural) can now be approximated by a degenerate distribution with a value of death!

  4. Ninja Tathagata wouldn’t have had to chase him! Observe:

    Luke vs. Ninja Tathagata

    Luke and Ninja Tathagata stare at each other across the empty parking lot.

    Wind whistles through a convenient grove of trees.

    Luke asks, “Ninja Tathagata, since I am a robot, does my freedom from the attatchment to material existence count as enlightenment? And if so, does that mean that all robots are Robot Buddhas?”

    Then he prepares to fight Ninja Tathagata, as dictated by his core programming. For reference, his core programming says: “fight ninja!”

    But Ninja Tathagata has already slipped into the trees! “Fair enough,” says Luke, to himself.

    Luke fights some ninja (plural) and then goes home to recharge. (So that his batteries do not suffer from the memory effect, he listens to music and makes shadow puppets against the light from his power source until he goes to sleep!)

    In the night, Ninja Tathagata deftly pulls out his power cord, and Luke never wakes up.

  5. Lets play Exalted!

    Player1: “Allright, well, I don’t really want to play another dungeon crawl w/ big swords this time. How about we do something different?”

    Player2: “yeah!”

    ST: “Ok, this time we’ll start off with some Legendary artifacts ok? how does that sound?”

    Player3: “Great! I’ll get the Mantle of Brigid!”

    ST: “…”

    Player1: “That’s not really useful you know.”

    Player3: “Well, I’m going to play a Lunar.”

    Player1: “Oh, ok.”

    Player2: “I get the Five Metal Shrike!”

    ST: “Er, ok.” (Glad he didn’t say the Eye of Autocthon.)

    Player1: “Excellent! I always wanted to play with that.”

    Player3: “Yes! We can destroy civilization!”

    Player2: “But I like civilization” ;_;

    Player3: “Well… how about the Guild?”

    Player2: “That I’m ok with.”

    ST: “So how are you going to destroy the Guild? They have alot of armies you know.”

    Player3: “Sure but we have the Five Metal Shrike.”

    ST: “True…”

    Player1: “We can steal all their stuff!”

    Player3: “I don’t know, that’ll take too long.. how about we just blow up Nexus?”

    Player2: “Nexus isn’t the Guild!”

    Player1: “Besides my character used to live there!”

    Player3: “Fine, fine…”

    ST: “So what are you going to take as an artifact Player1?”

    Player1: “Well, I was thinking…”

    ST: “Yes?”

    Player1: “And, I’m gonna get the Jade Magnet!”

    ST: “… ok.. if you’re sure about that…”

    — much later —

    Player2: “Allright, we fly over the caravan in the Five Metal Shrike and activate the Jade Magnet.”

    ST: “Are you sure you want to do that?”

    Player1: “Absolutely!!”

    ST: “Ok, as you fly over the caravan the jade margnet begins to hum and glow. The people below scatter in terror at the glowing bird in the sky above them, and as the caravan begins to rise in the air everyone scatters…”

    Player3: “Excellent!”

    ST: “Suddenly, the caravan bursts into flames! Hundreds of Gunzosha warriors, hidden inside the caravans, burst through the roof of the floating carts and land on the outside of the Shrike!”

    Player2: “OMG!!!”

    ST: “The Gunzosha warriors hack their way through the Shrike’s Defenses and make their way to the control room.. It is all you can do to fight them off until an Essence Nuke is ignited by the Kamakazi warriors right below the control room. As you are vaporized you wonder at your horrible luck at just happening to run across a Lookshy-crewed Guild bandit-lure.”

    Player1: “I knew I should have asked if we could start with 50 more XP…”

  6. Lets play Exalted!

    OK! Let’s play Exalted!

    Invincible Sword Princess turned to Worthy Jade. “They will be here soon?”

    Worthy Jade nodded. “They will reach Gem before the day is done.”

    The Princess nodded, keen eyes scanning the horizon for any sign of their enemies. There was none. “How many?”

    “From the north, the armies of the Realm, five times five legions, united under Mnemon, and determined to eradicate the threat of the Solar Anathema once and for all.”

    The Princess nodded.

    “From the east, a howling mass of beastmen and half-human things, countless beyond number, and Ma Ha Suchi at their head.”

    The Princess nodded.

    “From the south, the metal men march from the Panopoly of Ot with treasures and technology unseen in Creation since the first age.”

    The Princess nodded.

    “And from the west, the armies of the folk, glorious and terrible, the legions of nightmare incarnate, their hosts complete with writhing beasts from beyond the world. The very sound of their wailing pipes has driven mad those armies that dared to stand against them.

    “And the Lion?” asked the Princess, her mouth narrowing into a grim line.

    “The carnage that will ensue is sure to tear a hole in the fabric that divides this world from the next. There, the First and Forsaken Lion waits, greatest and most terrible of all– at the head of a host of hungry ghosts that slaver for the blood of the living.”

    “And our assets?”

    “We have no allies, no great sorceries, a few rag-tag locals pressed into something that looks like a militia. And, of course, the five of us.”

    “You’re forgetting the sword,” protested Invincible Sword Princess

    “Yes. The five of us and one very large sword,” concluded Worthy Jade.

    There was a long silence, as the sun began to crest the horizon, bathing the pair in light and long shadows.

    “Do you think,” Worthy Jade asked, a grin crossing his lips, “that we ought to offer them the chance to surrender, first?”

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