What Wistful Sally Says

Immortal Ken never has to die!

That’s why he’s packaged differently from Mortal Ken. Mortal Ken dies every time you press the button on his back! That’s his special mortality action. It’s easy to kill as many Mortal Kens as you want, and it’s a great opportunity for kids to learn the ins and outs of serial killing.

Reviving Stacy is a special Stacy who can bring Ken back from the dead. This changes the underlying morality of killing Ken. If Ken can never come back, then killing him is wrong. But if you can revive Ken with a Reviving Stacy doll, then who knows what moral rules apply? It’s like with Tickle Me Cthulhu—his life and death are meaningless and the human condition doesn’t apply!

If Mortal Ken has an Immortal Soul, which you can buy with the Immortal Soul Play Kit, then reviving Ken ensures that he’ll never go on to his glorious afterlife. He won’t have a harp like in Christian Heaven or many sloe-eyed virgins like in the Great Church of Sloe Heaven. He won’t shuffle emptily in Hades. He won’t earn his way into the Elysian fields. (Admittedly, that wasn’t really going to happen anyway except to Greek Hero Ken, that barrel-bodied Ken of legend that strides through the battlefields of Siege-Time Ilium.) In short, reviving a Mortal Ken renders the Immortal Soul meaningless and chains him immanently and externally to the cycles of the Earth.

Immortal Ken differs because it is the nature of Immortal Ken’s existence that he does not have to die. His purpose and definition transcend time, negating the moral argument for evolution, death, and change. No matter how hard you push the button on Immortal Ken’s back, he just won’t end! Philosophers suggest that Immortal Ken expresses a certain Zeist-Geist of denial popularized by evangelical toy companies and the makers of Highlander 2.

People in backwards regions have taken to eating parts of Immortal Ken dolls in the hopes of longevity or sexual prowess. In general manufacturers provide a heavily diluted shaving of plastic taken from the outer epidermis of a Ken doll, sometimes mixed with bits of the sea and the sky, which customers drink down to become homeopathically immortal themselves. Many young children deplore this practice as it is disturbing to try to play with dolls when there are always practitioners of homeopathic medicine lingering about.

More forward-thinking people do not consume Immortal Ken in any concentration. It is better, assert the monks, the priests, the intellectuals, and the old women in their huts, to hold tight Wistful Sally to one’s chest. Shunning Ken, shunning Stacy, they pull the string, and listen to her words.

She says, “Let’s go shopping!”

Or “Math is hard!”

Or “No one should ever have to die.”

Sometimes, but rarely, she says, “Yo Joe!”

3 thoughts on “What Wistful Sally Says

  1. Where might one obtain a Tickle Me Cthulhu?

    Why, at your local Idols’R’Us shop. The problem is, none of the shops stock Tickle Me Cthulhu anymore, as the shop clerks kept going stark raving mad. While this provided a certain amount of perverse amusement to Management, it eventually caused a drastic reduction in customer traffic. The settlements in the increasing number of unpleasant personal injury lawsuits filed by patrons nearly bankrupted the firm. Not to mention the dolls themselves – nobody likes to be slavered at by a plush toy! (Ok, well, maybe some people do, but I don’t want to know about them.)

    – S

    Though you won’t find Tickle Me Cthulhu on the store shelves, the technological miracle called the Internet enables Idols’R’Us to offer them for sale to discerning customers who can provide proof of the requisite licenses and permits. Visit them at:

    Idols’R’Us – Great Old Ones department
    NB: This website has [color=red:745486b8d2”>SOUND[/color:745486b8d2”> which plays immediately. Distasteful, yes, but one must make allowances for the behavior of the incurably insane.

    A less mind-blasting site, with excellent customer service, is [color=darkred:745486b8d2”>Warehouse 23[/color:745486b8d2”>. I recommend the one, the only, the original: [color=darkred:745486b8d2”>Plush Cthulhu[/color:745486b8d2”> himself!
    [list:745486b8d2”>
    [img:745486b8d2”>http://www.warehouse23.com/img/covers/hp001.jpg[/img:745486b8d2”>[/list:u:745486b8d2”>

  2. Where might one obtain a Tickle Me Cthulhu?

    Why, at your local Idols’R’Us shop. The problem is, none of the shops stock Tickle Me Cthulhu anymore, as the shop clerks kept going incurably mad. While this provided a certain amount of perverse amusement to Management, it eventually caused a drastic reduction in customer traffic. The settlements in the increasing number of unpleasant personal injury lawsuits filed by patrons nearly bankrupted the firm. Not to mention the dolls themselves – nobody likes to be slavered at by a plush toy! (Ok, well, maybe some people do, but I don’t want to know about them.)
    – S

    You joke. But I’ve got the plush Chtlulhu on my shelf– that sold pretty well, didn’t it? The world is crying out for a Tickle-Me Cthulhu!

    Or perhaps crying out in despair because of the Tickle-Me Cthulhu. Not sure. One of the two.

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