Invisible Dog Breeding 101

1. The Scientist’s Lament

Breeding invisible dogs to win incredible prizes at dog shows is difficult! That’s why so few people do it.

There are all kinds of difficulties that people face in invisible dog breeding. The dogs might chew up your couch. An invisible circus owner might steal your dogs. You might get fleas. It’s a rollicking road and you have to learn to face whatever comes with a smile! But there are two difficulties in particular that newcomers often ask about immediately after getting started.

Wait! How can you breed an invisible dog? There’s no invisibility gene in nature!

The answer to this is simple. Dogs don’t have an invisibility gene, but many other things are invisible. Ghosts, invisible people, conspiracies, minorities, and bacteria are all very difficult to see. Splicing genes from them into your dog embryos easily produces a magnificent invisible dog.*

* Warning: some of these may instead produce a dog that people could see, but choose not to.

I’ve got some invisible dogs, but I can’t tell if they’re breeding.

Don’t worry! You’re only uncertain because they’re not actually breeding yet. When the marvelous angel of estrous bestows its blessing on your invisible dogs, there will be no occasion for doubt.

2. Crisis of Imaginary Dogs

Some people think that they can get around the difficulties of breeding invisible dogs by breeding imaginary dogs. Imaginary dogs are always invisible!

The problem with imaginary dogs is that most imaginary dogs are falsifiable. That is, people at dog shows are highly trained to detect imaginary dogs. They will smell your imaginary dog, weigh your imaginary dog, and encourage your imaginary dog to eat special invisible treats. If your dog isn’t real you’ll fail these tests and they’ll give you last prize! That’s no good at all for your self-esteem and it can absolutely crush your imaginary dog.

That’s why the primary focus of most invisible dog breeders is not normal invisible dogs or ordinary imaginary dogs but a special subclass: the unfalsifiable dog.

Unfalsifiable dogs exist principally in the subtle realm of the spirit. You can’t disprove them—they’re too subjective and open to interpretation! Genuine unfalsifiable dogs are best, but even imaginary unfalsifiable dogs are strong competitors against typical entries like Great Danes and beagles. With persistence and good grooming habits, you will win first prize!

3. The Great Work

It is important not to rest on your laurels once your unfalsifiable dog has won the first prize. Now more than ever you must work hard to breed new useful traits into your unfalsifiable dog’s line!

If you breed your unfalsifiable dog with a frictionless dog, this produces a litter of puppies that are both frictionless and unfalsifiable. These dogs have a distinct advantage in a show that involves herding sheep, because many shows use advanced modern low-friction sheep. Ordinary dogs have trouble herding low-friction sheep, and low-friction dogs can achieve parity, but a frictionless dog takes the whole affair to a new level! In addition it is fun to watch them sail majestically around the floor of the show.

If you breed your unfalsifiable dog with a mortar schnauzer, the puppies will be unfalsifiable heavy artillery. You can use them to smash down enemy fortifications, and no one can prove that you can’t! You may wish to obtain a memo from Alberto Gonzales before bombarding things with puppies, however, as this has been expressly forbidden in the Geneva Conventions.

If you breed your unfalsifiable dog with an unverifiable dog, you will produce a grim dog that reveals how weak human comprehension is in the face of infinity! These terrible beagles are often given high marks as a craven attempt at conciliation. It’s not good to win dog shows by fear instead of quality, but the most important thing is to win at any cost.

4. Looking Forward

Over the course of hundreds of years your efforts will produce an entirely new breed of dogs. This is how humans first invented the Chihuahua and the Modular Dane, and this is the very process from which the heralded Revelation Dog will come.

Where will your work fall in this great tapestry of life? Enter the exciting world of invisible dog breeding and find out!

Not valid in Wisconsin or where prohibited by law.

13 thoughts on “Invisible Dog Breeding 101

  1. Lambs, Cranium Beavers, and now Dogs, both Lassies and Modular Danes. A general animal theme arises, but from where?

  2. This is the most political hitherby I can remember, or maybe I’m just off my meds. Just wondering if this is a direction we can expect in the future.

  3. I’ve been noticing political undercurrents for some time; I’d rank this one as less political than “Oublient” or “The Passion of the Joy Thing”.

    Are these invisible dogs pink, by the way, or is that color reserved for the unicorns?

  4. I feel a sudden urge to attempt to combine logic and dogs and create a modal ontological proof for the existence of the Omega Dog.

  5. I want a pet unfalsifiable and unverifiable dog, now. It wouldn’t trigger my allergies! Or if it did, it wouldn’t do so in a manner that proved its existence. Hmmm.

  6. I don’t understand in what sense this entry is “political”. Could someone explain it to me?

    For that matter, I don’t understand how undercurents in “Oublient” or “Joy Thing” are political per se. “Oublient” is partially about fundamentalism, “Joy Thing” is heavily influenced by Psalm 2. Hitherby is strongly influenced by religious ideas, and when those get anywhere near to the Tanakh / Old Testament, there are inevitably going to be some themes of unjust secular authority introduced.

  7. At the very least, the reference to Alberto Gonzales, who authored a White House memo which forwarded the opinion that the president could order torture and it would be neither illegal nor unconstitutional. Fundamentalism is also essentially a political topic in the U.S., given its vocal nature at the moment.

  8. Thanks, Joejay. I guess that I saw the Gonzales mention as a reference to a current event rather than a political statement, and also didn’t think of it as “political” per se, since I thought that someone with any politics and of any party might disagree with it. But I can tell that I should stop right here and not start any discussion of this kind, sorry.

    I do think that there are many aspects of religion that would be considered to be intensely political by modern standards. When Amos, to take one example, rumbles about

    You who subvert in the gate
    The cause of the needy!

    he’s talking about the legal system. I think that there are times, such as in “Joy Thing”, where the material being referenced almost forces an appearance of politics, broadly defined.

  9. * Warning: some of these may instead produce a dog that people could see, but choose not to.

    Nearly lost it here. Nicely put!

  10. “Oublient” was about fundamentalists in control of a government. Nearly any reference to government is a political reference, by definition.

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