Here is a basic checklist that you can use to determine if your bed is on fire. One check mark corresponds to a substantial probability of fire; two or more makes it certain!
First, are there red and orange flames rising from your bed? If so, make a check mark; it is probably on fire.
Even if there are no red and orange flames, you do not have to despair. It may still be possible that your bed is on fire. Let’s continue!
Second, is there thick black smoke rising from your bed? This is a strong indication of fire. However, if there are small civilizations living in your bed, they may use smoke signals to communicate. You should only take thick black smoke as definitive and make a check mark if your bed has substantial fiberoptic cable inlay. Otherwise, thick black smoke is only worth one half of a check mark!
Third, did your mattress come from LavaMart? History shows that many of LavaMart’s products catch on fire or otherwise produce conflagrations. The most famous of these incidents was the LavaMart Fire Station in Arkansas, originally intended to serve as the flagship and prototype for a series of LavaMart Fire Stations scattered throughout the United States. However, LavaMart prophylactics, mattresses, and bookshelves also carry the federally-mandated LavaMart “do not use in homes or businesses” label. If your mattress is made by LavaMart that is worth half a check mark towards a fiery bed.
Fourth, did you accidentally leave your domestic flamethrower under the bed? Many people like to keep a flamethrower in their home for self-defense. (This is particularly common in states with strong gun control and weak flamethrower control laws.) However, statistics show that domestic flamethrowers ignite more beds than they ignite intruders and family members combined. This is because flamethrowers hate dust bunnies. They hate them more than anything else in the whole world. They hate them so much that sometimes they will accidentally trigger just to scorch dust bunnies. A flamethrower under the bed is also worth half a check mark.
Fifth, is your bed unhappy with your current sleep schedule? Many beds will act out when under stress or when desperate to attract your attention. If you have not slept a minimum of five hours a night for the past week, and an average of six and a half, your bed may feel underused and lash out by catching spontaneously on fire. Many beds are flame-retardant and will resist catching on fire for months or even years of neglect but because a positive statistical correlation exists, you may mark down one quarter of a check mark if you have in fact neglected your bed. Congratulations! You’re well on your way to a bedroom conflagration.
Sixth, is it summer? Beds burn more often in the summer, because it is hot. This is also worth one quarter of a check mark.
If your bed is not on fire, then you can try stopping, dropping, and rolling. This behavior is positively correlated with fire and can earn you between one half and three quarters of a check mark depending on how long you continue it and how fervently you scream while doing so. (Be aware that if there are others in the room with you they may express curiosity regarding your behavior. It is both proper and mannerly to reply with, “Fire safety depends on you!”)
Some beds have remote controls that allow you to set them on fire. It’s just one click and fwoosh! If you have such a remote control (or a universal remote programmed for this capability) then you do not need to adhere strictly to the check list. Instead, when you determine that your bed should be on fire, simply verify that the remote control batteries still have charge and then press the button with your right index finger. Your problems are solved!
In the worst case, if your bed is not on fire, it is always possible to go back and change the answers you have given. Remember: nothing’s final until you submit your results to the Office of the Firefighter General or a local Fire Department. It is always possible to obtain a burning bed, because
Fire safety depends on YOU!