The Hammer of Wizards

from the classic manuscript treating of the characteristics of witchcraft and the necessary rejoinders that may be made against it by good and Godly men, and requiring only a moderate familiarity with the fandom of Harry Potter and the spiritual predecessor to this work, the Malleus Maleficarum, herewith an excerpt,

PART II
CHAPTER IV
QUESTION I: The Manner in Which Witches Produce Harry Potter Fan Fiction

As to the method with which witches write Harry Potter fan fiction, six points are to be noted. First, as to the Fanfic Devil and how he takes incarnate form in the story. Second, as to the act, whether it is constant in history. Third, to the time and place, whether one forum or another is more favourable for this practice. Fourth, whether the Fanfic Devil’s presence is obvious to the reader. Fifth, whether women can write Harry Potter fan fiction if they were not offered to the Fanfic Devil at birth by midwives. Sixth, whether the actual venereal pleasure is greater or less for erotic fan fiction when written regarding Harry Potter than for erotic fan fiction dedicated to holy works.

As S. Augustine has noted, angels can manifest in fan fiction, as long as the fan fiction is based on a holy source such as the King James Bible or a Papal Bull rather than an iniquitous source such as Harry Potter. When an angel appears in fan fiction, it is never a Gary Stu or a Mary Sue, but rather a numinous exhalation of holy essence into the words. For the Fanfic Devil, this is not so. The Fanfic Devil cannot construct a body of literature. Nor can he form himself out of thrilling adventure fiction or sensual romance. He must build his body out of the vainest and basest principles. For this reason, he inevitably appears as a Mary Sue.

Now, the Fanfic Devil does not have the accidentals of proper fiction, and cannot be said to engage in dialogue, plot, or action. But since he has understanding, when he wishes to express his meaning, he produces words that are not dialogue, actions that are not action, and character development that is not plot. This is the sign whereby his works may be recognized by man.

As to the second issue, it is known that there have always been witches, and they have always visited mankind with terrible fan fiction. Before Harry Potter, they adapted the diabolical “Wizard of Oz.” Before that, they told new stories in the setting of Shakespeare’s “The Tempest,” Euripedes’ “Wizard of Greece and Troy,” and the forbidden Gospel of the Ebionites.(1)

Although these witches have always troubled mankind, as S. Thomas notes, there is some evidence that each new wizardly tract has strengthened their dedication to the diabolical arts. The classical artists often depicted women forced by the Fanfic Devil to write these filthy works. One need only look at Brabas’ They Fight Crime or Socrates’ sculpture Plato-Chan Misrepresenting My Philosophy. In the modern day the seed of deviltry in witchcraft has sunk deeper and the witches no longer need be forced. Women write Harry Potter fan fiction freely and with their own will, gladly defiling themselves with the Dumbledorean stain.

As to the third point, the Fanfic Devil naturally prefers to post Harry Potter fanfic to forums such as USENET. Each piece of USENET-posted fan fiction may cost the net hundreds if not thousands of dollars to send everywhere. As recently as 1992, newsreaders were wise enough to offer this warning, and mankind wise enough to heed it. This is no longer so, and nothing pleases the Fanfic Devil more than expending capital exporting his blasphemous works of fanfic deviltry to every corner of the globe.

As to the fourth issue, the Fanfic Devil’s presence is not always visible to the reader. In all cases of which we have knowledge, the Fanfic Devil made himself manifest to the witch, tempting her with the dark arts found within the pages of Harry Potter and finally encouraging her to practice them by writing about Professor Snape’s tormented inner passions. But with regards to bystanders, many beta readers have found no trace of the Fanfic Devil, or seen only a faint and foul mist rising from the manuscript as it flew across the Internets to their desktop. The reason that this is so is that the Fanfic Devil knows that by making its iniquities seem the writer’s own it can entice other girls and men into performing corrupt acts of their own.

As to the fifth issue, it is known that the Fanfic Devil strives always to seduce all women to his ways, rather than focusing solely on those given to him by their midwives. The Harry Potter books exert a strange and horrible fascination that tempts women to sin. Even passing within ten feet of a Harry Potter book can produce a certain degeneration of the will, accompanied by involuntary motor activity and nausea, which experts on witchcraft call “Quidditch.” Those who actually read the books become irredeemably tainted, and are called on the first Sabbath or their next visit to USENET to post filthy fan fiction based on these works. That a good and noble female who might otherwise be writing holy fan fiction based on Leviticus or Thessalonians should be so tempted is abominable, yet again and again magistrates discover this to be true.

It is clear that the venereal pleasure derived from this abominable fan fiction should always be less than that derived from holy sources. But the cunning Fanfic Enemy can so bring together the active and passive elements, not indeed naturally, but in such qualities of warmth and temperament, that he seems to excite no less degree of concupiscence.

May the Violet-Eyed Spouse of our Church preserve us from such designs.

EBIONITES (1): A typical scene from these horrific fan fictions has a beautiful raven-haired “Joan the Baptist” convicing Jesus that even though he is a vegetarian he need not abolish meat-eating for others. Then they kiss. It is a long and passionate kiss that makes Joan “feel as though she could walk on water.” Jesus declares her the coolest disciple of all. They preach to Ebionites together. This fan fiction is abhorrent in the eyes of the lord because Jesus is not canonically considered a vegetarian.

7 thoughts on “The Hammer of Wizards

  1. You take my breath away.
    Did you have to go consult the original while writing this, or did the text spring fully written from your forehead?

  2. Having read Bible fanfiction, I’ll confess I’ve never seen any angels manifest in it. (Though the idea of an evil-redeeming Mary Sue going after Judas makes me smile in a probably-somewhat-heretical fashion.)

  3. *sob* I…I have been tainted! Now my beloved will have to denounce me in front of our messageboard, even though I have yet to write fanfiction. I will be sent out to read in the vast Internet deserts…

    *wail, sackcloth, rending of computer cables…*

    Great job, Rebecca! :)

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