Sanrio’s Terrible Secret

Puppies are cute. They evolved cuteness in the wild! In the savage jungle, only the cute and the strong survive. That’s its ruthlessly Darwinian mandate!

Grapes are intoxicating—but not just any grapes. Only the old grapes. When grapes get old they get a twisted sense of humor. They like to watch birds stagger around drunk. They point, insofar as grapes can point, and laugh! That’s why grapes ferment. It’s too bad for the grapes that get eaten, but the other grapes are amused!

Humanity is not God. There are limits to human accomplishment! That’s why humans don’t ferment, even if they want to. To make intoxication, they need grapes! They put the grapes in large tubs. They step on them. Squish! They squeeze out the fermention. That’s how wine is made. In Russia, they adapted this technique to potatoes. Squish! That’s how they make vodka!

Not everything becomes intoxication when squished. Squishing pillows makes them squishy. Then it makes them flat! Squishing lumberjacks won’t get you anywhere. Just try it! You’ll see. Squishing money makes “flat money” or “bills.” Squishing puppies produces cute!

It is very important to squish puppies humanely. The puppies should be as round and floppy as possible so as to maximize their cuteness. That means they’ll have plenty to spare! Also, they should wear anti-inertial belts so that they roll around going ‘roof’ or ‘yip!’ rather than getting hurt. That’s how environmentally-sensitive corporations squish puppies. It’s actually fun for everyone involved!

After a long period of stomping, the puppy tanks will contain large amounts of cuteness and a fair number of dogs. The cuteness is drained off for use in chibi anime characters, Hello Kitty dolls, and so forth. The dogs are still cute, but not as cute as the puppies, so they’re sold off to pet stores for installation in your homes. Everyone thinks that puppies grow up into dogs on their own, but it’s not true! It’s all done in the puppy tanks! That’s Sanrio’s terrible secret!

One thought on “Sanrio’s Terrible Secret

  1. I KNEW IT!

    There’s a similar terrible secret involving kittens, isn’t there? ISN’T THERE?

Leave a Reply