A Brief Explanation of Werewolves

Werewolves are humans who are topologically isomorphic to wolves. This means that they can easily fold themselves into the shape of a wolf when exposed to moonlight or strong emotions.

Werewaffles are humans who are topologically isomorphic to waffles. This means that they can easily fold themselves into the shape of a waffle when exposed to syrup.

Syrup comes from werewolves. If you tap a werewolf, you get syrup. This syrup allows werewaffles to transform. Tapping werewaffles produces strong emotions. It also produces moonlight. There is a factory on the moon that does nothing but hunt down human werewaffles, kidnap them into outer space, and tap them for moonlight. When they run out of werewaffles, they have to steal cows. That’s why so many mutilated cows turn up in the Midwest—it’s the favorite spot for bootlegging moonlight heifers.

As the moonlight bleeds out of a werewaffle, it deflates. This changes its fundamental topology. At the “Vickrey point,” also known as the “wolf-waffle threshold,” the topology changes; the underlying human is now topologically isomorphic to a wolf.

Creating a werewaffle is more difficult. A werewolf who wishes to become a werewaffle must eat sufficient waffles to cross the wolf-waffle threshold from the other side. This is difficult because waffles are most delicious with syrup. In order to obtain syrup, a werewolf is naturally tempted to put him or herself on tap. The Vickrey point recedes even as it approaches: the werewolf is caught in an endless loop known as Gelley-Klimpson equilibrium or “the grand cycle of life.” Enraged by the futility of it all, the werewolf often resorts to destroying small New England towns. New England towns are otherwise irrelevant to our narrative.

8 thoughts on “A Brief Explanation of Werewolves

  1. This is pretty cool. But I think new england towns being destroyed are linked to cows and of course to werewolves and werewaffles – they are the largest source of churned milk, and thus butter.

    now, personally, i think waffles taste best with honey. But for some reason not everyone agrees, and people actually put butter on waffles.

  2. Well, you -should- put butter on waffles — it’s a tasty grease that combines well with syrup.

    Except when you’re putting whipped cream and berries on your waffle, which is an entirely different (but very tasty) taste.

  3. Personally, I prefer putting ice cream on my waffles. But then, I’m far more of a dessert person than I am a breakfast person.

    It’s also interesting to think that, continuing with Rebecca’s logic, a good percentage of werewolves will be Belgian – certainly the tastiest of them.

    – jason

  4. Now if we carefully guide the deflation process we can introduce a new element to the cycle: Werecrepes!

  5. Werecrepes are a subspecies of werewaffle, but they’re exceedingly malleable. Doubtless, their flexibility implies that they share topographical consistency with anything whose surface area can be represented by something of the werecrepe’s volume; thus they are always ready-to-were.

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