Pets are Funny

February 10, 2003

Monday

Hi everyone! I am Jewel. I am a cat. This is my blog on the livejournal service.

Purr.

Music: How Can Heaven Love Me, by Sarah Brightman

March 14, 2003

Friday

I caught a bird a long time ago.

It had a funny shape. It looked like a little person with feathered wings. It had a trumpet. I showed it to my person. She screamed. Then she went to her computer and she typed a long time. She deleted most of it.

She’s funny!

I bet she ate it later.

Mood: nostalgic

April 7, 2003

Monday

That tuna is SO MINE. I have been dreaming of you all day, delicious tuna! You are lovely and hard-to-get.

Mood: joyous
Music: Flood, by They Might Be Giants

June 1, 2003

Sunday

I—

Today, something funny happened. I was napping. My feet were making little twitches. Suddenly everything shook. I felt weird. Like my fur turned inside out for a second. I sneezed.

Then I walked up to my person and said, “Miao.”

She didn’t understand. She never understands. She just looked at me like she was trying really hard not to remember something and not quite managing it.

Sometimes I think I’m the only person in the world with any brains.

Also am I the only person who noticed it is not Monday yet? It is like someone cruel and malevolent to cats with a weekly tuna helping has added in a day.

August 3, 2003

Sunday

FLEA BATH. OMGWTFBBQ.

That expression is from massively multiplayer online games. You might think that I have never played such a game but what if I have?

You would never have known.

Also I pwnz u with my kitty paws. Oh yes. I pwnz u because right now I hate the world and want it all to end.

To end in blood.

Mood: angry

1 Comment:
Trackback: Apocryphal Psychology >> Flea Bath
[…] surge in so-called “pet blogging” to cope with a rapidly degenerating situation. Here is “Jewel,” blithely unaware of the escalating death toll […]

August 5, 2003

Tuesday

It happened again today—

Which should be Thursday, shouldn’t it? The taste of joy is gone from my tongue and anticipation has not returned—

The world just went . . . kalooie.

Like something that is not in the manual has happened.

I also checked google. 21,000 hits for fur “inside out,” but none of them seemed on point.

Mood: Loonie
Music: Cloud on my Tongue, by Tori Amos

September 23, 2003

Tuesday

I ought to have a name more majestic than “Jewel.” Perhaps “Majestic Overlord, who reigns over all things from her furry throne.”

Wouldn’t that make more sense?

Why does she call me “Jewel?”

Mood: thoughtful
Music: Star Wars Imperial March

4 Comments:
Is it because you’re secretly a magical pink unicorn? I like magical pink unicorns.
– Rebecca

No. It’s not. Shut up.
– Jewel

You’re just upset because you’re a classic example of something no one can prove doesn’t exist.
– Rebecca

I am looking the other way and ignoring you. And licking my leg. See? Licking. I can’t talk to you right now. I’m too busy removing lint with my TONGUE.
– Jewel

October 10, 2003

Friday

I caught another funny bird! It sang very pretty music. I was hungry, so I ate it all myself. Then I sicked it up.

I love the world and want to give it sandwiches.

Music: Absolute Destiny Apocalypse

October 18, 2003

Saturday

My person cried and cried. Then she posted stuff to her livejournal blog. Then I took a nap.

Bombs fell and woke me up.

They killed everyone. They killed me too. I was sleepy so I don’t know what happened then.

I went into the mild world.

The day on the blog is off again. Time went back or something. I am hoping that if I let my person know about this she will give me tuna on the proper date.

“It’s not for TWO WHOLE DAYS,” she keeps saying.

Really funny. That’s SO FUNNY, Ms. Comes Back From the Dead And Doesn’t Refill the Water Bowl.

Mood: impatient

December 4, 2003

Thursday

I hate this software. It keeps losing my entries. I don’t even know why I bother blogging sometimes.

Mood: mourning timeless brilliance
Music: shut up stupid music

December 23, 2003

Tuesday

It was Christmas eve! I got special treats. But my person was not very merry.

“Everyone on the East Coast is dead,” she said.

She made weird giggling noises and could not stop grooming my head. She said something about a house but mostly she cried.

Then it was yesterday again.

Maybe if more bombs fall today it can be Monday and then if they stop it can be Christmas Eve and back and forth like that which would be merry.

2 Comments:
neat blog.
– Texas Holdem

neat blog.
– Viagra

January 5, 2004

Monday

The bombs fell again. They killed everyone. They killed me. This time I stayed awake to watch. Seattle was very empty. It was all flat and black and broken. Then the lights started way up in the sky. They glowed. They were soft. They were violet. They floated down.

They were BIRDS.

Time was stopped. Everything was very still. They picked things up one molecule at a time. They whispered to one another in their strange, sad bird voices. They each took a molecule, or sometimes two, and they began to dance; and as they danced in a great soft pattern, they put things back together, piece by piece. It was very beautiful, but I wanted to EAT THEM and I COULDN’T so it sucked.

They put everything back together just like it was yesterday morning.

Suddenly, I KNEW. I understood. I knew why. In that moment, I think I saw God.

It’s Monday all over again.

And I said, how great the love that He must have for every one of His creatures—to know that I was still hungry, that one treat a week was not enough. To kill and save the whole world just for me.

And when I found my person, who was looking around with that strange kind of look she gets sometimes, I purred and purred.

Mood: happy

January 13, 2004

Tuesday

Now I will have to live Wednesday over again.

Mood: irritated

January 22, 2004

Thursday

Canada’s been destroyed oh nee nee nee nee nee. Nobody understands what is important.

. . . I spent hours with her anyway. I didn’t let her be alone.

Then it all unhappened just for stupid Canada.

January 26, 2004

Monday

My person got very sick. So did her housemates. Then I got sick. I threw up. Then I threw up again. Then I died. Then they died. Tuna!

Mood: stiff-tailed joy

February 7, 2004

Saturday

I have seen the long side of my last Monday I think.

The bombs are falling almost every day.

Things are different every time. They are. They are different. But they are not different enough.

We have gotten to Saturday. I think getting to Saturday was very hard

But I am bored.

Mood: dispirited
Music: Straight Lines, by Suzanne Vega

February 9, 2004

Monday

There is a funny tone in the funny birds’ singing. It is tired and determined and sad and happy all in one.

So I have decided to make peace.

I gave one a livejournal code so it can read this. I hope that it can read. I hope it is not Texas Holdem.

It is okay, funny birds.

I think of you as prey but even for prey there is enough.

I have eaten of this morning’s feast and now I say enough. You can rest. You don’t have to make it out this far again.

Let time go back to February 2. That was a pretty good day. Or January 26. Even December 22.

It’s OK if we just do December 22 over and over again and don’t even wait for all the people in the world to die.

Please. It hurts me to watch you.

You can rest.

Mood: loving
Music: Ordinary Day, by Great Big Sea

2 thoughts on “Pets are Funny

  1. Oh. My. Magical pink unicorns.

    Does this cat belong to you?

    :shock:

    I’m not sure if I’ll be happy when I’ve finished reading the archives because all this will be inside me, or sad because the first flush of shocked, laughing rapture will come only six times a week instead of gluttonously all day.

  2. The latter, if my experience is any guide. I went through a brief period of withdrawal symptoms when I finished the archive. Your body will adjust to the lower dose fairly quickly, though.

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