Letters Column for December

Thank you for your kind words,
Mack Knopf


Seems that Dog drowned in the river of sanctified rice.
–Jonathan Walton

Competition for slots in the zodiac’s pretty fierce. One cycle, Dog might get in. The next, Alien! Sometimes, things happen that way. I hear Hamburglar is thinking about heisting a slot come Maitreya’s age.


How does Jack Chick fit into all this?

He will be Hamburglar’s prophet.


[The driver who hit King Gordon XVIII] doesn’t know how to drive in snow or doesn’t know to not drive in snow?
— Brook

The former. While King Gordon XVIII (aka ‘Gordon The Magnificent’) is larger than a normal snowflake, his insides cannot contain a car. It’s possible that in a million years snowflakes might evolve into terrible kaiju capable of swallowing a Miata in one gulp. If this happens, tire chains are useful for additional traction.


The Message came across loud and clear.
— Dregg

I’m glad! I’m trying to be respectful of the various religious figures I invoke.


As luck would have it, my current lack of monkeys is the only thing keeping my soul from eternal damnation.
— yami mcmoots

There’s really nothing I feel I need to add to this.


One can only wonder what the witch would have done with Speed Racer.
— S

“You’ll never defeat my candy corn boxcar,” cackles the witch. “But just to be sure, I’ll lock you in this cage and fatten you up!”

“You shouldn’t drive a candy corn car,” exclaims Speed. “Once you’ve eaten all the instrumentation, you’ll be too hyper to use the brake! I should know! That’s how my brother died!”

The witch closes her eyes. She sheds one soda water tear. She might be evil, but she honors Speed’s tragedy!

“When I cook and eat you,” whispers the witch, “you will taste bitter and sweet.”


you, Rebecca, are the avatar and distilled essence of the universe itself!
— Ilanin

Darn it! Clark *promised* these glasses would protect my secret! Super-hypnotism, thou vain and mesmeric dream of sanctuary, why dost thou desert me now?


I am having difficulty imagining how a spectral grasshopper with no legs can fire a handgun, let alone chirp.
— rmaleski

From www.medterms.com:

Phantom limb syndrome: The perception of sensations, usually including pain, in an arm or leg after the limb has been amputated. The brain still gets messages from the nerves that originally carried impulses from the missing limb. Phantom limb syndrome is relatively common in amputees, especially in the early months and years after limb loss.”

Does that help?


I have another theory:
— edomaur


Can you substantiate this at all? I’m not a big fan of unfounded speculation—it can get perfectly innocent blond-haired vixens hauled off by Scientific Community Goons to their special antarctic prison facility. Or so I hear.


You would think God would be tougher.
— Shaun

Do we know whether he’s evolved to his ultimate form?


Er, just because Buddha achieves enlightenment it doesn’t remove Mara from the world.
— Alexander Williams

The Buddha achieved enlightenment. This precipitated deadly Nirvana radiation in all directions. It wasn’t Gautama’s insight into the nature of the universe that killed Mara—it was his lethal self-destruct technique! That’s why Martin lost the battle. When it comes to complex high-energy theology, it’s wise to take me on faith—arguing won’t get you anywhere!

That’s it for now! Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting—even if you didn’t get thanked for a compliment or picked for a specific response—and see you again this coming month!


5 thoughts on “Letters Column for December

  1. Keeping sociopathic slaves is harder. It is flatly easier to enslave Gandhi than Dr. Lecter, because you don’t have to worry about Gandhi eating your brain.

    I’m not sure about this. Gandhi would simply refuse to work (and then your taskmasters would beat him to death); Lecter would probably work now in the hope of eating your brain later.

    I agree with Lancor that sometimes, when good is put into the system, it’s taken out elsewhere in evil. For example, the Oil For Food program, while it probably did help Iraqi children, also ended up supporting a whole lot of corruption.

    Raule, in J.K. Bishop’s _The Etched City_, noted:
    “The goodness in the world grew like moss in cracks, she thought. It grew, somehow, with hidden roots, nourished by something unseen.”

    This brings to mind the question: if evil is nourished by altruism, is altruism also nourished by evil? How many people decided to do good simply could not bear to see evil flourish unchecked?


  2. On The Hammer of Wizards:

    This entry is in fact closely modeled on the proper Part II, Chapter IV, Question I of The Hammer of Witches. I try to reward google searches, though I don’t demand them. ^_^

    Bah! While I am, in fact, a Master Googler, who would not recognize the Malleus Maleficarum in your wonderful tale? Nevertheless, I once again commend you.


    I did google for those last two. Mea maxima culpa!

  3. [list=1:f24434f835”>[*:f24434f835”>My girlfriend, who has had to deal with real-life sociopaths far too often, points out, “An actual sociopath always does the simplest thing that benefits them personally. So Dr. Lecter would get someone else in trouble (causing them to be beaten to death) and either escape in the confusion or eat their brain.”
    [*:f24434f835”>This is the only place in the world where one might conceivably find a story about Gandhi eating people’s brains nonviolently. (Other authors would miss the “nonviolently” part.)[/list:o:f24434f835”>

  4. It is flatly easier to enslave Gandhi than Dr. Lecter, because you don’t have to worry about Gandhi eating your brain.

    I think this is clearly the most noteworthy line… And, to some extent, true… It’s at least safer to enslave Gandhi.

  5. Hmm. I have to disagree with you. It is immediately safer to enslave Gandhi, because he will not eat your brain. But of Gandhi and the good Doctor Lecter, which one killed a few people, and which one caused half a billion people to rise up against injustice?

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