Gandalf’s Secret1

1 requires familiarity with the Lord of the Rings, the work of Lovecraft, and slash2
2 fan-fiction stories where unlikely couples beat the odds.3
3specifically, the odds against them having sex.

“Master Frodo, throw the ring away. Throw it in the fire! Then we can go home.”

“No,” says Frodo. He sees what Sam can’t. He’s looking out at Mordor. He came here to destroy the Dark Lord Sauron. He’s a determined hobbit assassin! But there’s something above the Burning Eye that softens his heart. He can’t continue his mission! That’s because Shelob’s spun a web over Mordor. It has words in the web. Frodo reads the words and knows.

“What is it, master Frodo?”

“Don’t you understand, Sam? It says ‘SOME EYE’.”

“But master Frodo.” Sam turns and sees the words. His heart melts too. “You’re right. He’s no ordinary dark lord. We can’t kill him just like that. He’s something special, master Frodo. Something magical—and that’s the truth!”

All the people of Middle-Earth travel to the Black Gate to look up at Shelob’s Web and marvel at the words. Sauron attacks them with some monstrous soldiers, but they hardly notice. They know now. They’ve seen. They know the truth.

The next day dawns. Dew glitters on a new web. “TERRIFIC.”

“Come on, master Frodo,” Sam says. “Let’s go see the dark master.”

They travel to the Tower. “I’m sorry, Sauron,” says Frodo. “I guess I was so intent on your monstrous exterior and your foul intention to enslave Middle-Earth that I didn’t notice your inner beauty.”

Bright red flames consume the lidless eye. It’s blushing! That’s so adorable.

“As I look upon that inner beauty,” confides Frodo, “I can’t help thinking, ‘There is no God. There is no hope. All the universe is damned to endless darkness.’ It’s a harsh kind of beauty. But it’s there. And if Iluvatar’s out there somewhere, watching over us, may he bless us, every one.”

Aww! Sauron hugs Frodo. Frodo shrieks and writhes in the flame. Sam says, heart in his throat, “I’ll remember this moment forever.”

One shouldn’t encourage Sauron-Frodo slash. That’s a growing problem for the Internet! So there’s no sex here. Just a soft and tenderhearted story of love! As Frodo burns in those terrible flames of love, unconsumed and unconsummated, his eyes meet Sauron. They shiver with tenderness. He understands.

Frodo’s tongue flies from the Eye, landing flopping at Sam’s feet. “Joy!” it hisses, writhing horribly. It’s supercharged with the Dark Lord’s energies. “Worship Sauron and revel in mindless ecstacy as you stare upon our timeless love!”

Gandalf can not hold back his tears. “All our hopes, in the hands of one little hobbit—and he has surpassed my every expectation.” He spins to face the decimated troops of Gondor. “Launch the fireworks. I’d thought we’d defeat the Dark Lord, but instead my old comrade Sauron will have a happy ending. Let romance fill the air!”

Gondor’s troops load their catapults with the special romantic ammunition. “We’ve never done this before,” says Faramir, “but in Sauron’s hour of need, the men of Gondor will not fail him.” LAUNCH!

The dust of Gondor’s romance grenades sifts down over Mordor. Everywhere, the orcs make merry. The Lidless Eye blinks back happy tears. Even Shelob and the Witch-King of Angmar find comfort in one another.

“They say no man can romance me,” confides the Witch-King of Angmar. Shelob only chitters.

BOOM! That’s a romance grenade.

BOOM! That’s a romance grenade.

BOOM! Oops! That one hit the Lidless Eye. It pops and shrivels. Sauron’s dying! Frodo’s writhing tongue screams, “No! Dark master, do not leave me! OUR TIMELESS LOVE!”

Sauron’s tower explodes. The Eye slowly falls.

“10!” cries the crowd gathered around to celebrate the New Age of Middle-Earth. “9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!”

Sauron’s eye hits the ground! Can such a bright spark of love end in so dark a tragedy? No orderly universe would permit it! Dim grows the Eye that burns over Mordor. Cold grow the hearts of orcs, elves, and men. Frodo’s tongue worms its way along the hot baked ground.

Frodo’s tongue gives the Eye one last steamy, lidless kiss. Isn’t that sweet? It’s saying goodbye!

POOF!

Kissed by a bold hobbit, Sauron turns into a marvelous princess! He’s been the enchanted Maiar Princess of the Hobbits all along!

“At last,” sighs Gandalf, laying down the heavy burden of secrets carried for far too many years.

It’s a new year! May your life have many happy endings, just like that.

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